Sunday, September 27, 2009

 Nov 26 2015, Thanksgiving day... I have come back and reread this. I really am glad I have started writing again because I have ZERO recall on this post. I cannot place who any one of these people are. I hate the fact my mind blanks out so much of my past. This update was posted while my husband Dustin is downstairs preparing the turkey for today. We live in Kansas and I am upstairs in my room since I haven't been feeling great lately. I have cable finally and a little laptop and I am content and happy with what I have been blessed with. We were without for many years..

Child Abuse is NEVER acceptable

Edited to add: The father is now saying he is going for full custody of "K" and "N" (Mama) asked the police if he could and they said that the abuse cannot be proven and that the welt looked like a scratch to them. Nice to know that police are able to make judgment calls like this. I feel really bad for N. I want to help her. I just don't know how, except to encourage her to use her voice. She is very mild mannered, tempered and soft spoken.

First let me start out with, the police are investigating the case of abuse and Thank God "K" wasn't hurt worse, though no abuse is much more ideal. Its over with and now I hope they lock the lady up.

After the episode last night with my neighbors, the darling meth using, Parental unit of child gun wielding, drunk screaming jerks scared the crap out of me, I called "N" my caregiver, the one that is pregnant, the one I worry over so much. I asked her to come in today and gave her a small update on what happened. She said no problem.

When she came in, she was holding her phone and said that the babysitter, also her dear friend "J" called her and said her little girl "K" had a huge mark on her and said that her Dads GF/Wife (I am not sure which) hit her in the head and side with a hair brush. She said send picture. When we saw the picture, I flipped, this little girl had a huge welt on her tiny little side (she is 4). She asked if she should call the police, I said absolutely and she had "J" call the police. "K" goes to her Dads on the weekends. I told her I wouldn't send her back. (Then again, I would take my kid and run if they tried to force me to send my kid somewhere unsafe) N is going to call her attorney and see what else can be done. I hope the police do their jobs. She lives in another town and I don't know how competent they are over there. It took talking to her Mama on the phone for the little girl to tell the police what happened. She was scared she would get in trouble for telling. Mama comforted her and she was able to tell them what happened.

And the update. "K" is doing ok and the welt is gone already so its a good thing they got the picture when they did. Physical abuse is a hard thing for a kid to deal with, I lived it. and long after the marks are gone she will still remember. Please Pray for little "K" and their family that she doesn't have to be in this womans care again. And she gets properly treated for the abuse she dished out. Being 5 mos pregnant and seeing your little girl hurt cannot be good for a lady. Prayers for N too please. xoxo

Saturday, September 26, 2009

What a day...

I went to bed early last night cause "T" was to be here at a bit after 8 am, *since I missed my package in the mail yesterday. She runs a paper route at night though and she was a bit late. I usually wake up with a big anxiety attack when my care givers are late, but this morning I had a feeling that she might have had a break down or something as the jeep hasn't been running the best. Empathy. Something I am told/have read that is hard for someone like me, an Aspie to express. I do feel lots of empathy I promise but yeah, expressing it, not so good at that. I did tell her I was a tad concerned. I took that step out of my comfort zone and am happy I did. It shows me I can learn new skills.

"T" stopped and got the package and showed up with her 8 yr old daughter "H" and asked if it was o.k to bring her with her to work. Uh, Yeah, I guess, your already here so why not. Sponge Bob is not my friend. His show is loud and scrappy and I couldn't sleep through it so I gave up and got up.

We immediately started hauling stuff to the new place. "H" and I stayed there and got things put away while Mom ran back for another load. That kid is hyper and doesn't listen when I ask her to leave the critters alone though she is amazingly (like me) task oriented. I gave her a task, (sorting clothes/socks et) and she stuck to it till she was done. I gave her a bunch of fun stuff I had from when my niece lived here in town. She was so excited.

Then we all went to walmart. I found a little preemie girl outfit for another friends baby (online) but they only had a girl one so bleh. I will try again another day. I was shocked to find any preemie clothes at all so at least they are starting to sell preemie stuff. A big improvement.

We ate at Subway and left "H" with her Grandma for Church tomorrow. She wanted to stay with us, it was sweet.

Fast forward to.. Oh first, my caregiver is a licensed nurse, so I can say nurse instead of caregiver and be politically correct. She can sort my meds legally and so on. So Yay. The other girl isn't certified and 5 mos pregnant and needs the job and I just don't know what to do. I am afraid of her hurting herself as she is always in pain and holding her back and her little boy seems to be sitting on her spine. She is coming in for 4 hours or so tomorrow because...

My drunk arse ex to be landlords were throwing beer cans in my yard, their sandpaper stuff, In my yard and their kids In MY yard shoot off air guns. I asked them nicely to go shoot in their own yard so they don't hit me or my dogles and in return the guy started screaming at my barking dogs to shut the F up and I asked him to not hollar at them and I was on the phone with a friend who was freaking because as he said, I was being all polite. ERG. And he said that he would blast the stereo if I wanted to see impolite. I told him FINE. Radio is fine, knock yourself out, and he spun around and asked if I liked rap, I said YEP Loud as you want. hehe. It was those guns I was worried about and the noises they made. I just came in and haven't stopped shaking sense. First their stuff, then their truck and now their weapon weilding kids In MY yard. Why yes, (thanks for askin) I do have boundry issues. I hate that my kitten loving self thought of horrible things I could do to them for torturing me, then I asked forgiveness for thinking those things (flat tires, broken windows, you know, teenage stuff. :o( ) and txted my pregnant friend that works for me and she is coming in tomorrow to help me get more crap moved.

Which brings me to, OMGOSH, the carpets have been shampoo'd already and are most disgusting still. I want new carpets. I just left a message for new landlord to see about a new carpet. I am on two different breathing meds and I really don't even want to think whats in that carpet. Plus I love being barefoot in my own home. I have a no shoes rule for visitors due to dirt and stickers. I just need my home to be my safe/clean place. Pray (If your reading this) that they will give me a replacement kitchen dining room carpet. The rest of the house seems ok I think. Ok. Think that about covers my day. Going to wake the doggles and see if they want to play or something. Have a great night. xoxo

*That goes with my I am jinxed theory. The package was still in NEW YORK when I tracked it. It has NEVER EVER EVER shown up the same day it shows location as New York when I am home. NEVER. I have left 2 x in as many years to go out on New York days and BOTH, count them, ONE TWO, both dang times they showed up while I was out. Seriously? It only happens to me out of all the people I know personally. Any one else out there jinxed? I would love to hear all about it. :oP

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

God had other Plans than I did

Well, if your over here from twitter you already know the good news. I am not going to be homeless.

I wanted so badly to get out of this town. This house was almost literally the death of me. Or more like my "deceased" Landlords lack of wanting to fix the house to keep the cold out, one shouldn't speak ill of the dead so I will just say, his bulb didn't light up all the way anyways and he ended up crushed under a tractor while trying to pull to heavy a load. May he rest in peace.

My new landlord (God willing, I still have to pick one of two houses and do paperwork et) said he will make sure the house is well sealed for the winter. I will have to learn how to care for the heater vs air conditioning for my condition. Too hot= allergic reaction to my own sweat. Too cold and I could freeze due to my "night time paralysis aka sleep paralysis". I have another condition that causes me to have to air my house out daily no matter what season though I am embarrassed by it and not ready to share yet. I trust you all not to hurt me due to it, I am just not ready to share yet. One day maybe. But this condition too has to due with allergies and doesn't help when I am trying to heat/cool my house. So many things to learn.

I hope to be able to keep the gals I hired today. I have always had total love for God and last night I Prayed that he knew that I do trust him and will wait for him to speak to me on what to do and I was sorry for being so scared. I didn't know how to separate not trusting him and being afraid, I realized I couldn't do both so just let go of the fear and everything is falling into place.

One day I hope to be able to teach the people of this town how to really make a difference in their own lives. And get some laws changed as they take babies from Mothers here like crazy and it kills me to see this. The only thing holding me back is my lack of ability to structure my own life. One day at a time, One foot in front of the other is my goal. I will decorate my new home and not worry over having to move the next year. I am tired of moving. I want to stay put for once in my life but I am not going to continue to let my mind cripple me. These two kids, (Ok a married couple with kids of their own :o) M & C gave me some proffessional pictures to hang on my walls once I got here to KS. I never took them out and put them up because I didn't want to have to move them when I moved. I was saving them for my final move. Who knows, Maybe I will be in this next house for years, or mos or whatever but those pictures are getting framed and put up. That is my big goal right now. To start living in the day.

And a great big shout out to all of you who Prayed for me and sent me comments that cheered me up and gave me hope. It is horrible to be so scared and desperate and I Thank God that the horrible feelings of not knowing what is going to happen has passed.

The house I am in now doesn't and wasn't built with bedroom doors. So even though I had the space to have a roommate, no one really wanted to move in (except my kid) without a door. So hopefully I can get a nice roommate also.

From now on this blog will be to post my daily happenings, my progress or lack thereof. xoxo to all, Kandi

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Middle of the night musings-

This is from recently when I was in a sleepy haze before I remembered I had this blog sitting around doing nothing. Its not happy stuff, I just wanted it to have its place here in my space. I see so many people say they don't want to have to watch what they blog about. I have aspergers and wasn't born with that thing that says what is politically correct to say or not or I guess what to blog or not though I do feel/know this isn't for kids, unless it helps them realize that their life isn't so bad after all. So I just want to share. My life has been hard but its mine. I wish I could write about roses and happy but its just not in the cards for me right now. I am Praying for my time to shine and haven't given up.

Here it is. Its hard to even read for me. My feelings won't be hurt if no one reads.

My eyes are closed. I have just laid down for the night. I have my i pod going, playing older tunes. I noted that I would listen to the newer stuff though I can't afford to do so at this valley in my life.

I hear a faint whimper above the music, I remove an ear plug and its cam my cat. She lays on my hip each night to comfort me, some nights before I can even help myself I scream get off of me, don't touch me. Then it's, I'm so sorry. I love you so much, I wish you knew it hurts when you walk on me. My body hurts. my mind isn't mine for the takin, yet it feels closer then ever, tonight I let her comfort me.

As I first laid down my chest constricted with a severe onset of an anxiety attack. No visible trigger. Can just imagine it was from a very hard day.

My mind flirts with actually writing a blog so I slip quietly out of bed and sneak with the light off to my lap top. I try to maintain the sleepy thoughts that haunt my nights so I can finally get them down.

I want to be understood, I don't know where to start, but I feel that I need to start before I was ever conceived. The first thing that is about me that plays a large part in how my mind process's my whole life, is my Mother telling me how long she Prayed she would have a baby. 7 yrs of trying for her and then she was Blessed with me. I have asked a million times why? Why did you Pray for me to just throw me away, in my mind that is.

The one time I asked you why you let me go on the streets back when I was 12, your simple answer was, Your going to grow up, get married and move away from me and I will be alone, Your Father will always be here for me. I begged her to get a place for us. She never would.

I need to reconcile with my past. I was told my growth was retarded due to "raising myself". I've never had structured living. I crave it but am at a loss at how to achieve it as my mind cripples me to the point of hiding in my bed for days on end till I feel like getting up again and then its just to the computer or the T.V. If it weren't for my babies, fur babies, I would never budge from bed. I go through training routines with them in a daze many days. I trained for years when my body was stronger. A few world wide known vets taught me things that could bring an income due to my circumstances. They weren't famous when they taught me. When I saw one on TV and the other in Dog Fancy, I thought, such kind men, took on a teen on the street and gave me the best education they could with what they had to work with and I was so Proud of them and felt God Blessed them richly. I can only imagine how kind they were to others. And while my body was still able to, I used what they taught me and I took care of myself. Now my body is crippled and my mind has turned on me. On good days I can get on line and send sweet inspiring comments on blogs, or send gifts from my games I play to make others happy. I love to brighten peoples day. With where I am physically, it feels really good that I still have things I can do to make people happy.

This is a memory I have that doesn't really fit with this post but it just came to me. I have had lots of great things happen to me in life. One Doctor/Vet I used when I was around 20ish Dr. Carrel (I think is how it was/is spelled) I only used a few times. Well, I went to my mail box and looked down and there was this poor creature going in circles. I ran for a towel, picked it up and assessed it. Not a baby as it had yellow long hamster teeth. No eyes and a definite equal Librium problem. I got a box and rushed her to the vet. Dr. Carrel laughed so hard he cried before finally getting a grip and telling me I just rescued a perfectly normal mole and to please go back and put her back where I found her. I did. after I got a few pictures to remember. Funny how somethings I can't remember, but this one, this one I don't forget.

I am a survivor. Though right now, breathing another day is the extent of that survival. I want a richer life, though until now, I haven't been able to extend my hand so I can except a hand up so I can brush off and start living, really living. I Pray its not too late. The pain is too much on more levels then one. And this, this would be the reason I haven't started a blog. Co-Tay's - Mama

Sunday, September 20, 2009

About the Co-Bear

I found this on my computer desk top. Thought I would add it here since I have started it.

"Colt'en Albert Lance Joined my family on July 12,09 the anniversary of my fathers death. His nicknames to date are Boppy, Jaba the Hut, Cobee, Colby, Co Bear and Bop bop and I am sure more are sure to follow."

Not a whole lot but I wanted to get it in a permanent place. I have trouble staying on target and finishing things.

So more about the Bear. My twitter name was supposed to be joining Taylor and Colt'en's name and ended up missing the a. So its Colty instead of the wanted Coltay. I like it though so not going to change it.

This is a picture of him when he was much smaller not long ago. I carried him in a baby thing so he would bond with me. Although the night I got him, I went to see my "Brother" (which is a friend that calls me his sister) and his wife and new pups. This little guy laid up on the couch by me the whole night. I was drawn to the little girl but knew better then to have two females and my friend pointed out this ones loyalty so I took him. And at the time I had a family living with me that helped out so it was a good situation. Even though my situation has changed, I have had him neutered and he is my boy. I am fighting to keep my family of four fur kids and myself together.

I took some pictures of him and Taylor today. The only ones out of all of us that are photogenic are the cats. Go figure. I wish I had taken more of him when he was tiny because it went by so fast. He is here sleeping by me now.

Oh, More about him. He is always happy. He has what I call the "Tail of Doom" or table sweeper. I am glad he is such a happy guy and I have learned how to grab my pop off the table as soon as I see him coming so its fine by me. He has an old ragged baby toy and yesterday he somehow pulled the cord that is basically severed at the base and the toy started playing music, and he started crying very loudly and running circles around it. When it was done playing he rubbed it all over Taylor as if to tell her about it. It was adorable. He will still cry over it even though I keep making it play to see his antics. He is my little snuggler.


Is there a way to make a title for a post?

Title: Why I follow some people on twitter. Cause I wanted to and @jasonyounger asked.

Wow, so much to say. first @jasonyounger asked every one who you enjoy following and why? 140 characters isn't enough to answer so I am making a blog post about the peeps I follow on Twitter, I won't repeat the ones I already have done as they were posted to my twitter and can be found easy enough (I think? If you want posted again, just ask, I will gladly re write it). probably more then he meant but I started this project recently on my own so I might as well get it finished as I really wanted every one to know why I follow them just because. I would love to know why people follow me, though I can only imagine its like a train wreck, you just can't stop watching.

alittlepregnant-This twitter belongs to a wonderful gal that had a blog I found many years ago when I had a hysterectomy and decided that it was safe to want to be a Mom because I couldn't do so and the best way was to read others stories on infertility, actually just found her twitter today so hit follow to see what's up.

Ade1965, TheEllenShow, cracked, postsecret, SydesJokes, FunnyJoker-These I am following for the funny stuff they post.

MamaNotes-I hit follow as I noticed you following me. Hi!

Richard_RN -I hit follow as I noticed you following me. Hi!

Tronoleum, Grimmit- I love these kids.

Area51josh-Animal lover. Funny.

cj3rd- Love to read thoughtful tweets.

Cyrus family and a few friends, I follow because after purchasing Mileys album because Taylor Swift had a song on it, I realized this kid can sing. I follow the rest of her crew because it is sweet to see a family interact that adores each other.

blurb & dooce- What a team. So funny, can't imagine not following them. Their blogs are great also.

redneckmommy-Love her blog, and her tweets are even funnier.

MckMama-I read to make sure I don't miss out on oppurtunities to Pray for her darling son Stellan.

Chookooloonks-Used to read her blog way back. Recently found her on Twitter and decided to see whats up.

misszoot-I follow you because I love reading your blog and your tweets are funny.

Tertia-Blog reader for years. Love this gal.

newbornidentity, friendsofmaddie, mamaspohr - I follow for updates on their blogs. To hear how their Pregnancy is going and to get updates that I can RT for their beautiful daughters blog where Mom & Dad are trying to take something horrible and turn it into something great.

GreenEyedMonst, tweetalacart-First person that ever commented me so I hit follow.

Followtheblonde, reba, WilliamShatner, therealpickler, taylorswift13- These are some of the most amazing people I know that I have yet to meet.

cesarmillan- We have A lot in common on our training ways and if I weren't as sick as I am I think I could help others the way he does.

AspieWorld ,service_dogs, Dogsfordisabled,SSDOGS, ServiceDog I follow these but don't get the time to catch up like I would. I have a Service Dog and one in training and have Aspergers so that sums it up.

I left a few out because I haven't really had a chance to read to see whats going on and if I will stay following. One I left off is just mean and hrm. I should just hit "unfollow" but don't know how I guess. (not literally)

And this was harder then it should have been, sitting up at the computer to type is hard on me though I said I would do this so I did. I could have made it even longer and sappier but just know, If your on this list & I made an attempt to tell you why I follow you, Know I adore you.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

I have some weird pains going around my abdomen to my back. Shoulder pain new too. I think its the couch and how I am sitting so will change that and see.
This post is about my internet. I went through a few weeks of feeling like I had no right to have it with things being so tight and struggling so hard. So I just left the internet funds sitting in the bank. I am not big on late bills or not paying but I couldn't make a decision. So I didn't do anything figuring for once I would just get shut down and it would be out of my hands (though totally my choice, figure that way of thinking, I can't) so today, with the urgency of finding help and this being my only way of communicating I went to pay it and found two mos bill instead of shut of notice. So I paid past due and was relieved to have that back up. That is pretty cool. If I was unable to pay it I would have had time to pay it. I didn't know they did that with something so not needed as internet. I am thinking now if this was a business or something it would be necc. but I just use it for fun and now reaching out again, this time for bigger things. I started this blog a while back to find a nurse I think or to just have a connection with the outside world. I never realized I would be begging for help and that my well being and life would depend on it. So now the internet is necc for me. So I paid it. Don't worry, I would have paid it the minute it was shut off and told them not to restart it. I don't talk well on the phone at all so I figured that was safest to keeping me from anxiety.

I took my morning pain meds again today. I really need to find a happy medium. My Doctor told me that my vitamins could have caused the mind numbing can't get out of bed much less see for three days straight each week, Migraines, so I cut them totally as advised and added them back one at a time. When the headache came back I dumped the glucosamene in the garbage. I haven't had a headache that was crippling since last wks and I am 3 days over due for it. So maybe it was the vitamins. I also thought maybe I got a nut allergy as my soothy food is cashews. Everytime I felt a headache come on all I wanted was cashews. Well, with the vitamins out of the mix, I have eaten a few cashews got a tiny headache but not like before so it may have just been the nerves over eating them. I will try again when I am happy and not nervous and then if I get even a tiny headache I will say good bye to my love of the cashew. I do have to try again of course.

I am also pleased to announce that I asked my twitter friends to Pray for a lady I read online. I wanted to call her a friend then but I didn't want to be misleading as she didn't know me I just was a reader, champion Prayer person in her corner but this woman Michele proved that she is my friend also. I love her family as they are so wonderful, loving, God loving, God fearing people and I am so honored and touched she reached out to me in the middle of all she is going through. No one can have too many people who Pray for them so if your a Prayer person, baby lover or want to read someone so true and honest and heartfelt please drop by my new friends blog and say Hi and Pray for her beautiful new double blessings, Bobby & Maya.

xoxo, Kandi Ann

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Dear Michele (& Info that might explain stuff for others too below letter to Michele),

You are the most amazing woman online that I have the pleasure of being commented by on the previous post, and your the only one too, Thank you. I am hurting so bad and think of all the pain your in and I will push out this post to try to explain things to you, Its the least I can do when you took the time to respond to me, HUGEST HUGS. I know you are Praying for me to my very core. You and Peter and the twinks are very special and you all belong together. With everything your going through, Time constraints, Babies to love and you still took time out to make me feel so grounded this morning.

First let me say, after I was diagnosed with the mental illness side of everything, I chose to beg for a full hysto (I just ran across the letter I wrote to the doctor and the hysto stuff, I was shocked to find this a few weeks ago. I hang on to the weirdest things) It took me three years to get it. I have always wanted to be a Mom. I got pregnant young with twins and lost them early, my sister did the needle on a string, (that was so neat) and it said boy- girl and I lost them shortly after, they would be around 24 now, I was very young, and the second wonderful set 7 yrs later where the sexes were unknown, 12 wks pregnant and didn't even know till end & D&C due to endo, PCOS and IC, I have always taken comfort in knowing they are waiting for me and hope they are showing Sophia, Alex & Nick the ropes.)

I want to answer your questions first so if you want to go do stuff and read later or not for a while you can. I don't want to hog your time. You have babies to take care of. I Pray daily for you all. I am always amazed how miracles happen and both Bobby and Maya are Miracles without a doubt)

Ok. Please Please don't even try to imagine what I feel. You have enough pain to deal with already. God hasn't given me specifically, more then I can handle. Sometimes when I am lying alone, unable to get up to just get a cup of coffee I wonder what my next move is. But I never get upset with God. I know I have choices to make. And I try to make the right choices. I am with a nursing company called PILR (Prairie Independant Living Resources) My case head is Tanya Ward and Alana King, Alana is the one I call when I am in trouble and she tells me all she can do is send apps and last time I used one of their choices I had my meds stolen, they DO NOT SCREEN applicants and I don't have the energy for all that at this time. I don't fear for writing the info here because if any one calls there, they will be told and it crushed me to hear but they are not equiped to handle Autism on any spectrum, I am on the incredibly high functioning end. though I have physical ailments which make functioning in the cold weather impossible and summer time only nearly impossible. The nurses that are hired are every day people and I tell them to study what I have and no one does and most are not even able to wash the dishes without leaving food on them. These are just facts. The people in this town are born and raised in a town that I honestly don't believe I have met any one with an IQ above 100. I mean this lovingly and factually. Not condemning. Their court house doesn't even have metal detectors. I am from Florida. This town is what Florida was literally over 30 yrs ago. They are not caught up yet and ignorance is not bliss in this town. I have to get to where it is warm now. I have done a winter alone here and almost died twice last yr to freezing and illness caused by getting too cold.

What gets me is I was in an abusive relationship, I got out of it and stayed out of it going on two years and even the DV place won't help me. They help you get out and then your on your own.

I have been through so many nurses. One young lady, I almost adopted. I have the paper work, we got the birth certificate with me as her Mom on it waiting to validate it and due to the system here and the father of her baby (It was an adult adoption though her mental status is far from that) born Dec 07 she ran with the father because the county was trying to take her baby. They got him at 3 mos old. He was well cared for but because the father hit mother she walked out and called for help and they took her child because she was homeless. They didn't try to help her at all. Anyways-fast forward to her being out of my life almost a year and another baby later, she was back in my life, She knows how sick I am. She signed Trevor over to the state because they said she would lose her second baby if she had one in the system. She had Tank and they took him at birth. But because she was with a new nice man that was friends with the judge, she got her baby back. So again, I let her work for me. She has to be employed to keep this baby. But she never showed up but maybe once every 2 wk work period. I told her I could only put up with that till winter and then I could die. I begged her on many occassions over summer to come feed me ect but she gave so many excuses why she couldn't come in. And I just finally took her off payroll ending our tie, I feel used and second rate, his family she said cares more for her, because I couldn't just let her hang around on the payroll "employed" but not showing up I have lost her, If you want to see pictures of my beautiful Grandson Tank and first born Trevor go to my Twitter account I still consider her my kid though she just bought a home and changed her phone number and just fell off my radar-because I couldn't let her be on the payroll, I am dealing with the deppression over losing my family, even if it seems she really was just using me, I did everything for her, when I had the money I bought and gave her everything she needed for her, hubby and babies, I got rid of almost everything I owned and let her move in with me with her family, I put myself in the guest room in my rental home. She had a nice van but didn't know how to drive, I told her she could go to jail if she infact did drive and she said she had to move out after I had gotten my second Service Dog to train and thought life was about to get better, but she left because she said i was too bosy. The next day after she left she indeed drove and totaled the van with my grandson in it. I wasn't trying to be bosy, just keep her safe but again, I am alone and though I guess or I know I have to move on, its hard. Her friend worked three days and then got in with a drug crowd. Then that girls Mom worked for me ONE DAY OMGAH which was three days ago and then called in with an excuse the next day why she couldn't work so I fired her. I can't play now. I can die. So she has my key and I am without a nurse. I had another nurse that was through PILR (I can hire any one for the position) but she stole my meds so I had to fire her. I need my medication.

As for housing. I have night paralysis so I need to go where it is warm so I can sleep without fear of freezing. If my covers come off I can't move to get them back over me. It takes me a long time to wake and get out of bed so staying here isn't an option. Because, get this, if I over heat from the heater I sweat and I am allergic to my own sweat and that means sheets blankets et and myself need to be washed and I can go for weeks without being able to even do one load of clothes so the heat isn't an option either. Best case scenerio is being somewhere warm with a kick butt air conditioner that I can set at a temp that neither is too cold or hot and just stay inside. Last winter, the reason for almost freezing is the temp drops dramatically around 4 am. I am asleep then so unable to get up to adjust it for my special needs. So I end up, sleepless, and worse for the wear. Where was I? Oh yeah, finding an agency, I have the only agency here in the middle of KS nowhere and they can't help for my specific needs. So that is where I am now. Evicted by the neighbors who own this house, their father died and they already threw out the next door neighbors and took over that house and even with me in it they are already starting to put their stuff in my yard, they aren't even given me till the first so I can get out of here and with the aspergers comes boundry issues and they are really affecting me mentally. I feel violated already. Its not a good situation. I don't have cash, but I have 3 yr old appliances, washer, dryer, refrigerator that I could trade for a van. That is my goal. Pray for a Van. Gutted. So I can go back to where its warm and until I am financially stable again I can just buy a tent and stay at camp grounds because I did not get my fur kids to part with them and I don't see any other way to keep them. They are the reason I even wake up. They keep me from muscle atrophy, they have to go out, they have to eat and so on. With Gods grace and help I am able to care for them daily. Most days that is all I can do, but Thankfully I have them to push me to do it or I would never leave the bed. I think I covered everything you asked and more. Thank you again for responding. I am going to read up on your babes now. Hugest Hugs, Prayers and Thanks for taking the time to come here and respond. God Bless you always, Kandi Ann

Friday, September 18, 2009

I have re read the last post I made. I thank the person who encouraged me and googled stuff for me. I haven't had a consistent nurse long enough to get help and now I am at the point I will be homeless on the first of Oct and I haven't been able to get a nurse to stay working for me. I am unable to do dishes even at this point without it winding me so much that I am laid up for days on end. I am working on a nervous energy right now till I can get someone to help me. I don't want to die. Its getting cold and I get night time paraylisis to where even if the heat is on the house isn't insolated to where if I can't get my covers back over me I could literally freeze to death. I woke up so cold this morning though I had a panic attack and was able to get out of bed, get a pain pill in me and got a call from the nurse who started yesterday that she had to help her daughter today to move. I fired her because my life is important and last time she worked for me she pulled the same stuff. ANYONE who helps me can get paid 9.30 an hour to start immediately so even if someone helps for a day or two that is a lot of money to help. I get 53 hours a week and really need help someone anyone please. I am hurting and tired. thanks for reading.