Monday, December 14, 2015

Trying to stick with my new schedule

 Part one, Staying on Schedule.

  Wow has this been a struggle. I have been up as planned, before 9:30 am every day. Last night I could not fall asleep on my own to save my life. I have no clue how late I tossed and turned. I had set the alarm on my phone for nine am and I was up at 8:57 am. This is funny because I hate alarm clocks so much that I woke up and forced myself to get up knowing it would go off. So I haven't messed up my get up time at all but the low dose seraquil is not working anymore. The Dr. will raise the dose and I will hate it had to be done but I need to fall asleep or I won't be staying in bed rolling around another night and I want to sleep so I may will start the higher dose tonight, up to 150 mg.

 Waking up is awesome though and that gets me through. I have art, coloring, WSOP Poker to play, critters to tend to. I just am so happy with my life finally, it has been a long time coming. We just Pray, love and do our best and enjoy or plow through what we are given.

  This picture is one of my new favorites. It took me days to do. DH first saw it and said, "that will take ten years". So I teased him when it was done by saying, "That was a long ten years". I love being able to tease someone. He has taught me to  come back out of my shell a bit with him.

  . During the afternoon my DH comes to my huge art filled room and spends time with me. hours at a time. When the therapists tell you to change you to save your relationship  (I had looked up ways to save a relationship), do it, it worked for me. I am actually falling in love all over again. Which is so much fun, considering I love my husband dearly already. So this giddy, new relationship feeling, is awesome. Mixing it with an already deep love, is a Blessing. I love you honey. I don't know if you read, and please if you do, I do not want to know. *cough* seriously, do not tell me.

  Christmas decorations...

 Our beautiful cat/kitten Julia has knocked down the one real Christmas decoration I hung, which is a huge Candy Cane.

  Decorating at all for Christmas isn't really looking good. Though I am happy that yesterday the laminating machine messed up one picture, it crinkled it, and it was DHs' picture. I was so upset. He just cut it down and it looked so nice I  hung it and had him cut mine down too. We plan on coloring a few more to hang. Here is my picture and his and also the non colored coloring page. I made two sizes to color next.


 Coloring pages.

 I am enjoying coloring. My big gift from my husband was the Tombow Brush pens, and a bunch of Sharpies. I love them both. I have always been a Sharpie lover though. Oh also a while back, DH got me a 24 pack of Copic markers. They run out too fast but are by far the best markers I have.


                                             Sharpie Love

                                                   More Sharpies and Copics.

So to step up the results of my hobby, I have started watching Youtube videos on shading. I am learning so much. I apparently am a bit slow on the uptake since it just occurred to me that I do not have to draw the dragon fly so I have something to color, I can look up dragon fly coloring pages. I used to be great at drawing what I saw. The video went so fast I wasn't able to get mine drawn well. I would have paused but DH was watching too. So maybe today, I will find some to print and also go back and hit pause on the actual dragon fly. I will share my results if I follow through.

  Here is hubbys dragonfly which I love and a car he is currently working on, and my peacock that I tried to do shading on.

 I do love the peacock. I hope I can make it better. I have no idea what color I should go to next for the base of the feathers by her body.

 My Babies.

 Angel, my heart rat laid down by the table leg and fell asleep. It was a bit far but I cropped the picture down and when I got the camera out I woke him. But I love the picture just the same. While free roaming, Angel uses a litter box I leave down for him that has rabbit food in it as litter. Cheap and easy to clean up. win-win. Also my kitty girl Cammie who is always near me. The photos uploaded in a weird order so I will write under them. This blog post took forever. I feel accomplished. Go Me! :o)

                                     I keep snacks near my computer and of course my coloring markers.

                                         Going to bring another living room chair up stairs and                    
                                         make a little living room in my bedroom.

                                         He comes up on my lap on his own while he has free range time.

                                             Sleepy Angel.

                                          My best friend, my stalker. Love you Cammie Rose.

                                                               THE END (for today)

                                                              I am watching you Mama. All the time.

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

So much of everything...

 My dream last night was long and intense. Parts I remember were, waiting for an air strike, it was scary, the biggest part that stands out is me saying, I remember the FIRST time this happened.

(My thoughts on that is, I have always been spooked of war movies or scenes and I absolutely cannot watch them near bed time. Leaves for speculation on my part.)

 Ok. I have to write this out for me, so I don't forget. It is gross, feel free to skip this icky part. A person in my dream said you have an infected sore. It was attached to a desk wrapped in skin with an opening on one side. It was a hotdog wrapped in there. I pulled its capsule off the desk and took it outside to the garbage and it had a zillion baby maggots, when I tried to throw her away, she wrapped a long white tail around my wrist and didn't want to let me go. I made her and then walked away.

 So in my dream, I was moving out of my house and my Dyson was nearby and I was going to use it after I scrubbed and cleaned up. My landlady (not real life one) came by and offered to pay me to clean her house. And she got snippy with me and said if I did a good job I would get my deposit back. I was so upset at her because I didn't clean for the deposit back cause in my dream I wasn't getting one. I was doing it because it is the right thing to do. I was on a deadline and started getting anxious about doing all that I had to do and thankfully I woke up. It played out though in slow time.

(I was watching a movie last night, called Holiday Switch or something like that and there was a rich person house with a maid using a Dyson. I was so excited. I have wanted a Dyson for a decade and finally got one this year for an early Christmas gift from my husband)

End of dream recollection....

onto morning autistic freak out.

 I woke up and I have a routine. I check facebook to see if everyone is ok. My internet was out, the cats were play fighting loudly in my room. I screamed because I couldn't take it. I woke DH up and then screamed at him for speaking. He didn't get too mad at me this morning. For the first time. Thankfully I apologized and he forgave me. I hate myself when I fall apart. It does not happen often any more and I am so grateful for that. DH tries to make my life easier and I love him all the more for that. With my freak out, hubby got up at the same time as me since no one could have ignored my screams of anxiety. That is my upside for today.

My New Schedule...

  Our schedule is not the same, hubby and I. I cannot throw a fit and demand he get up every morning because for almost five years I have slept all hours and left him to his own devices more times than I can count. I have been on my new schedule around two weeks maybe and I love it. I go to bed at night and wake early in the morning. 8:30am or earlier . I Pray I can keep this up for the rest of my life. Finally feeling a little bit normal or what I perceive as normal anyways.

Breakfast and IBS and fears of eating.

  DH made cheesy eggs, Bacon and hash browns this morning. A beautiful breakfast. I actually felt sick at the thought of eating. Since I have been eating two meals a day with the new schedule I have had trouble in the restroom department, getting rid of the food. I only share this in case a non verbal Autistic childs parent reads this. To share the pain of it. It is horrific. The gut troubles are said to be a part of autism. Five times yesterday I was in such pain from "going" that eating today seemed like something to be avoided. I did eat half of it, as it was a huge plate, anyways. Hopefully this evens out as the pain is too much to bare. I cannot imagine if I couldn't tell someone how much GI troubles hurt. I saw the colonic massage done online and have since been doing it on myself and it does help to move things along faster.

 My room, my prison, my safe place.

 I was so sick yesterday (IBS troubles) that I was out of sorts and couldn't tell hubby what to do to make it better so I took my night meds before nine and asked him to come up and stay with me. I tried to explain to him, and I don't know if it will ever really make sense. During the day, between noon and six we hang out and color together or clean et. I can only handle so much input so after six hubby goes down stairs and leaves me to wind down from the day. He said he would love to be able to come be with me to help me go to sleep like I asked him last night and I tried to explain it as best as I could.

  My own body was hurting me and over stimulating my mind so I needed him to be my calm in the storm. But when my body isn't wreaking havoc on itself then any input from any one else causes the over stimulation which in turn causes severe anxiety attacks and me being miserable. I literally cannot handle people speaking out loud to me. It feels like I am being punched repeatedly to hear speaking to me when I am over done.

  I have everything I need in my bedroom. TV. laptop, stuff to color with and crafts and such. I love being up here. Over the past few days though, leaving the room has caused me to feel like I am out of control of my life. It causes me so much stress that I will stand outside my door and try to decide if I should force myself to go downstairs. I did force myself last night because I had to feed my rats. I Pray this stops because I didn't ask it to start and I would like to be able to go down stairs like I was able to before without it causing me to come undone. It is a deep fear that grips me inside my chest. So truly this must stop. I will work on it. I will try to push through it. I am already a prisoner of my home and I have come to terms with it, I do not want to be a prisoner in my room.

  Okay I have set up the printer so I am going to print a picture to color. I studied shading yesterday on youtube and cannot wait to try it. I found a way to blend colored pencils with unscented mineral spirits so I have asked hubby to pick some up for me. It is called Klean Strip and this is one of the videos I watched. She is amazing at teaching. Showing so many techniques.

Off to color....

Sunday, December 06, 2015

The craziest stuff happens to us

 Are we the only ones that have the "We were just talking about that" moments? I will be reading online and the exact sentence I am reading is spoken online. It happened twice just today alone. Or hubby and I speak of something and it comes on T.V.  So this morning I was reading up on this because someone mentioned on a group I am on that their rat had the same thing. I have a rat that I named Nemo, my first one ever born a cryptoid, (where one Teste is stuck in his tummy area and didn't drop) to any rats I have had over thirty years. But that isn't the strangest thing. We were watching Dr. Dee: Alaska Vet that came out here in America on 11/14/2015 but today was the first time we seen it of course! Not only was the vet speaking of cryptorchidism but she was preforming a neuter on a dog with it, whose name is also Nemo. We couldn't believe it. It was a "are you kidding me" moment.

 I also believe and have said, It is my fault Nemo ended up with one teste not dropped. Cause Nemo had one small fin and its just how names work, had I just known. Well, now I believe it more and more then ever ever ever. There is a dog in Alaska named Nemo who also had one smaller teste that didn't drop. He was neutered and so will our Nemo be hopefully early next year.

 This is a repeat post of this picture. But it is my favorite Nemo picture. I call it "oh Nemo".