Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving...

Last night I saw my Grandson sitting on the floor near the kitchen while his Mama was prepping for today's big dinner. It was so real. Most of the time my life feels surreal as the moment after went back to that foggy feeling I live my life in. I am THANKFUL today for that glimpse, a glimpse of what life really is. I think I figured a way to cope. I am just going to live for the moment.

Last night when I went to bed I was so stressed, my mind racing, even after a full dose of knock out meds and it took hours to fall asleep. I woke up wet and cold and got up and managed to change to something not soaked in what I can only imagine was sweat from the heating blanket. I was so cold because I can't get the windows covered and the thermostat and I are not close friends, I totally don't understand how it works. I thought about it and decided to look at the clock. 5 am ish. I needed to be up at five to put the bird in. I didn't go back to bed.

I am excited to have my family here today though its very bittersweet. Trevor, my oldest Grandson is not here! His Mama made the most perfect meal. Its amazing how much Motherhood suits her. Her son should be here with us. My "Chatters" should be here with us. There is no good reason why he isn't. He will be 2 yrs old Dec 4, 09. Trevor Lynn Darling, your family loves you and misses you and we fought so hard for you to be with us. One day, hopefully, we get the chance to tell you in person.

Also a big part of our family is in Florida. I miss my Mom's (birth & Dot who took me in when no one would). My sisters, Michelle, Barbra & Vickie. My Nephews, All of them. I hate that we drifted so far apart. I need them. I am Thankful for them, I wish I could hug each of them/you all today and tell you how much you mean to me. I am hoping to be able to post pictures soon. I still have to get the newest on the flash drive and transferred to this computer.

I am very Thankful to all my online friends. Even though I rarely comment, I think of you all often and Pray for you all wonderful people.

I am going to go watch some Roseanne and wait for my family to arrive.

I Hope everyone is having a Great/safe and loved Thanksgiving. xoxo, Kandi Ann

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Learning to accept my disibilities when I can't over come them.

At 5:50pm tonight I had a panic attack. It went beyond normal. My nurse, who knows I do not like to talk on the phone, who asked me just yesterday if she could call me and I said no, asked if she could call me please, in txt. We had already confirmed her to be working tonight for three hours. I felt a horrible gut turning feeling and felt like but didn't act on, throwing my phone against the wall. I was able to tone it down (no pun intended, though it made me smile) and just put the phone on off and set it to charge.

At 13 after six my nurse hasn't shown up. I am feeling doubly punished for my inability to handle what others deem normal. IE: I need a nurse, I am not normal for our society. I have to learn to deal with life inside my comfort zone before I can start pushing the boundaries. I cannot start doing that until people take my "NO" seriously, so far, 40 yrs old and no one does take me seriously. I feel like a push over, like I will suffer even more if I don't allow myself to be walked on or worse, I will hurt someones feelings. I also feel taken advantage of, ignored, I am sure you get the picture, I do. Always worried about others first. I know inside, truly that I have to take care of me first before I can be of any good to others. That has got to keep me going. Though the butterflies in my stomach are getting violent now, almost an hour later. I have almost given up hope of her even showing. She is here. I will close for now. I guess I have things to deal with.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

I hope that worked. Feb 11, 2010. I am such a number person.

Dec 4,09 tickets for Taylor Swift's concert here where I live go on sale. (I have a 1 % chance of actually getting in in the first few minutes but that is my Grandson Trevor's 2nd Birthday, so I am hoping its a lucky day for me.

I got my Service dog Taylor, on Tay's 19th B-day. Dec 13, 08, Not intentionally. The name, was Tazz. Changed it to TAS, worked gradually to Taylor and she answers to anything, she is my baby doll. Ok, tired. Loved Taylor Swift on SNL. She rocked it. xoxo, Kandi

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Season or Reason "Poem"

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional

Your job is to accept the lesson,

love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,

whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime..

(disclaimer: I didn't write this, though I do love it)