Friday, November 20, 2009

Learning to accept my disibilities when I can't over come them.

At 5:50pm tonight I had a panic attack. It went beyond normal. My nurse, who knows I do not like to talk on the phone, who asked me just yesterday if she could call me and I said no, asked if she could call me please, in txt. We had already confirmed her to be working tonight for three hours. I felt a horrible gut turning feeling and felt like but didn't act on, throwing my phone against the wall. I was able to tone it down (no pun intended, though it made me smile) and just put the phone on off and set it to charge.

At 13 after six my nurse hasn't shown up. I am feeling doubly punished for my inability to handle what others deem normal. IE: I need a nurse, I am not normal for our society. I have to learn to deal with life inside my comfort zone before I can start pushing the boundaries. I cannot start doing that until people take my "NO" seriously, so far, 40 yrs old and no one does take me seriously. I feel like a push over, like I will suffer even more if I don't allow myself to be walked on or worse, I will hurt someones feelings. I also feel taken advantage of, ignored, I am sure you get the picture, I do. Always worried about others first. I know inside, truly that I have to take care of me first before I can be of any good to others. That has got to keep me going. Though the butterflies in my stomach are getting violent now, almost an hour later. I have almost given up hope of her even showing. She is here. I will close for now. I guess I have things to deal with.


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