Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Middle of the night musings-

This is from recently when I was in a sleepy haze before I remembered I had this blog sitting around doing nothing. Its not happy stuff, I just wanted it to have its place here in my space. I see so many people say they don't want to have to watch what they blog about. I have aspergers and wasn't born with that thing that says what is politically correct to say or not or I guess what to blog or not though I do feel/know this isn't for kids, unless it helps them realize that their life isn't so bad after all. So I just want to share. My life has been hard but its mine. I wish I could write about roses and happy but its just not in the cards for me right now. I am Praying for my time to shine and haven't given up.

Here it is. Its hard to even read for me. My feelings won't be hurt if no one reads.

My eyes are closed. I have just laid down for the night. I have my i pod going, playing older tunes. I noted that I would listen to the newer stuff though I can't afford to do so at this valley in my life.

I hear a faint whimper above the music, I remove an ear plug and its cam my cat. She lays on my hip each night to comfort me, some nights before I can even help myself I scream get off of me, don't touch me. Then it's, I'm so sorry. I love you so much, I wish you knew it hurts when you walk on me. My body hurts. my mind isn't mine for the takin, yet it feels closer then ever, tonight I let her comfort me.

As I first laid down my chest constricted with a severe onset of an anxiety attack. No visible trigger. Can just imagine it was from a very hard day.

My mind flirts with actually writing a blog so I slip quietly out of bed and sneak with the light off to my lap top. I try to maintain the sleepy thoughts that haunt my nights so I can finally get them down.

I want to be understood, I don't know where to start, but I feel that I need to start before I was ever conceived. The first thing that is about me that plays a large part in how my mind process's my whole life, is my Mother telling me how long she Prayed she would have a baby. 7 yrs of trying for her and then she was Blessed with me. I have asked a million times why? Why did you Pray for me to just throw me away, in my mind that is.

The one time I asked you why you let me go on the streets back when I was 12, your simple answer was, Your going to grow up, get married and move away from me and I will be alone, Your Father will always be here for me. I begged her to get a place for us. She never would.

I need to reconcile with my past. I was told my growth was retarded due to "raising myself". I've never had structured living. I crave it but am at a loss at how to achieve it as my mind cripples me to the point of hiding in my bed for days on end till I feel like getting up again and then its just to the computer or the T.V. If it weren't for my babies, fur babies, I would never budge from bed. I go through training routines with them in a daze many days. I trained for years when my body was stronger. A few world wide known vets taught me things that could bring an income due to my circumstances. They weren't famous when they taught me. When I saw one on TV and the other in Dog Fancy, I thought, such kind men, took on a teen on the street and gave me the best education they could with what they had to work with and I was so Proud of them and felt God Blessed them richly. I can only imagine how kind they were to others. And while my body was still able to, I used what they taught me and I took care of myself. Now my body is crippled and my mind has turned on me. On good days I can get on line and send sweet inspiring comments on blogs, or send gifts from my games I play to make others happy. I love to brighten peoples day. With where I am physically, it feels really good that I still have things I can do to make people happy.

This is a memory I have that doesn't really fit with this post but it just came to me. I have had lots of great things happen to me in life. One Doctor/Vet I used when I was around 20ish Dr. Carrel (I think is how it was/is spelled) I only used a few times. Well, I went to my mail box and looked down and there was this poor creature going in circles. I ran for a towel, picked it up and assessed it. Not a baby as it had yellow long hamster teeth. No eyes and a definite equal Librium problem. I got a box and rushed her to the vet. Dr. Carrel laughed so hard he cried before finally getting a grip and telling me I just rescued a perfectly normal mole and to please go back and put her back where I found her. I did. after I got a few pictures to remember. Funny how somethings I can't remember, but this one, this one I don't forget.

I am a survivor. Though right now, breathing another day is the extent of that survival. I want a richer life, though until now, I haven't been able to extend my hand so I can except a hand up so I can brush off and start living, really living. I Pray its not too late. The pain is too much on more levels then one. And this, this would be the reason I haven't started a blog. Co-Tay's - Mama


At 3:09 PM, Blogger Candi and Skeet said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Candi and Skeet said...

Kandi Ann,
I have read some of your blog and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for visiting mine and for the idea that we could help each other. I wish that I could accomidate you but our home is very small and barely fits my husband, me and my dog. I can't imagine trying to fit another adult and 2 more dogs and 2 cats. My husband is also very allergic to cats (mine has to live in the garage now and that is even too much for him sometimes). I want so badly for you to find what you are looking for and I wish that I could give it to you. I will keep you in my daily prayers. You have been through so much and I admire you for pushing on. I will keep in touch.


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