Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dear Michele (& Info that might explain stuff for others too below letter to Michele),

You are the most amazing woman online that I have the pleasure of being commented by on the previous post, and your the only one too, Thank you. I am hurting so bad and think of all the pain your in and I will push out this post to try to explain things to you, Its the least I can do when you took the time to respond to me, HUGEST HUGS. I know you are Praying for me to my very core. You and Peter and the twinks are very special and you all belong together. With everything your going through, Time constraints, Babies to love and you still took time out to make me feel so grounded this morning.

First let me say, after I was diagnosed with the mental illness side of everything, I chose to beg for a full hysto (I just ran across the letter I wrote to the doctor and the hysto stuff, I was shocked to find this a few weeks ago. I hang on to the weirdest things) It took me three years to get it. I have always wanted to be a Mom. I got pregnant young with twins and lost them early, my sister did the needle on a string, (that was so neat) and it said boy- girl and I lost them shortly after, they would be around 24 now, I was very young, and the second wonderful set 7 yrs later where the sexes were unknown, 12 wks pregnant and didn't even know till end & D&C due to endo, PCOS and IC, I have always taken comfort in knowing they are waiting for me and hope they are showing Sophia, Alex & Nick the ropes.)

I want to answer your questions first so if you want to go do stuff and read later or not for a while you can. I don't want to hog your time. You have babies to take care of. I Pray daily for you all. I am always amazed how miracles happen and both Bobby and Maya are Miracles without a doubt)

Ok. Please Please don't even try to imagine what I feel. You have enough pain to deal with already. God hasn't given me specifically, more then I can handle. Sometimes when I am lying alone, unable to get up to just get a cup of coffee I wonder what my next move is. But I never get upset with God. I know I have choices to make. And I try to make the right choices. I am with a nursing company called PILR (Prairie Independant Living Resources) My case head is Tanya Ward and Alana King, Alana is the one I call when I am in trouble and she tells me all she can do is send apps and last time I used one of their choices I had my meds stolen, they DO NOT SCREEN applicants and I don't have the energy for all that at this time. I don't fear for writing the info here because if any one calls there, they will be told and it crushed me to hear but they are not equiped to handle Autism on any spectrum, I am on the incredibly high functioning end. though I have physical ailments which make functioning in the cold weather impossible and summer time only nearly impossible. The nurses that are hired are every day people and I tell them to study what I have and no one does and most are not even able to wash the dishes without leaving food on them. These are just facts. The people in this town are born and raised in a town that I honestly don't believe I have met any one with an IQ above 100. I mean this lovingly and factually. Not condemning. Their court house doesn't even have metal detectors. I am from Florida. This town is what Florida was literally over 30 yrs ago. They are not caught up yet and ignorance is not bliss in this town. I have to get to where it is warm now. I have done a winter alone here and almost died twice last yr to freezing and illness caused by getting too cold.

What gets me is I was in an abusive relationship, I got out of it and stayed out of it going on two years and even the DV place won't help me. They help you get out and then your on your own.

I have been through so many nurses. One young lady, I almost adopted. I have the paper work, we got the birth certificate with me as her Mom on it waiting to validate it and due to the system here and the father of her baby (It was an adult adoption though her mental status is far from that) born Dec 07 she ran with the father because the county was trying to take her baby. They got him at 3 mos old. He was well cared for but because the father hit mother she walked out and called for help and they took her child because she was homeless. They didn't try to help her at all. Anyways-fast forward to her being out of my life almost a year and another baby later, she was back in my life, She knows how sick I am. She signed Trevor over to the state because they said she would lose her second baby if she had one in the system. She had Tank and they took him at birth. But because she was with a new nice man that was friends with the judge, she got her baby back. So again, I let her work for me. She has to be employed to keep this baby. But she never showed up but maybe once every 2 wk work period. I told her I could only put up with that till winter and then I could die. I begged her on many occassions over summer to come feed me ect but she gave so many excuses why she couldn't come in. And I just finally took her off payroll ending our tie, I feel used and second rate, his family she said cares more for her, because I couldn't just let her hang around on the payroll "employed" but not showing up I have lost her, If you want to see pictures of my beautiful Grandson Tank and first born Trevor go to my Twitter account I still consider her my kid though she just bought a home and changed her phone number and just fell off my radar-because I couldn't let her be on the payroll, I am dealing with the deppression over losing my family, even if it seems she really was just using me, I did everything for her, when I had the money I bought and gave her everything she needed for her, hubby and babies, I got rid of almost everything I owned and let her move in with me with her family, I put myself in the guest room in my rental home. She had a nice van but didn't know how to drive, I told her she could go to jail if she infact did drive and she said she had to move out after I had gotten my second Service Dog to train and thought life was about to get better, but she left because she said i was too bosy. The next day after she left she indeed drove and totaled the van with my grandson in it. I wasn't trying to be bosy, just keep her safe but again, I am alone and though I guess or I know I have to move on, its hard. Her friend worked three days and then got in with a drug crowd. Then that girls Mom worked for me ONE DAY OMGAH which was three days ago and then called in with an excuse the next day why she couldn't work so I fired her. I can't play now. I can die. So she has my key and I am without a nurse. I had another nurse that was through PILR (I can hire any one for the position) but she stole my meds so I had to fire her. I need my medication.

As for housing. I have night paralysis so I need to go where it is warm so I can sleep without fear of freezing. If my covers come off I can't move to get them back over me. It takes me a long time to wake and get out of bed so staying here isn't an option. Because, get this, if I over heat from the heater I sweat and I am allergic to my own sweat and that means sheets blankets et and myself need to be washed and I can go for weeks without being able to even do one load of clothes so the heat isn't an option either. Best case scenerio is being somewhere warm with a kick butt air conditioner that I can set at a temp that neither is too cold or hot and just stay inside. Last winter, the reason for almost freezing is the temp drops dramatically around 4 am. I am asleep then so unable to get up to adjust it for my special needs. So I end up, sleepless, and worse for the wear. Where was I? Oh yeah, finding an agency, I have the only agency here in the middle of KS nowhere and they can't help for my specific needs. So that is where I am now. Evicted by the neighbors who own this house, their father died and they already threw out the next door neighbors and took over that house and even with me in it they are already starting to put their stuff in my yard, they aren't even given me till the first so I can get out of here and with the aspergers comes boundry issues and they are really affecting me mentally. I feel violated already. Its not a good situation. I don't have cash, but I have 3 yr old appliances, washer, dryer, refrigerator that I could trade for a van. That is my goal. Pray for a Van. Gutted. So I can go back to where its warm and until I am financially stable again I can just buy a tent and stay at camp grounds because I did not get my fur kids to part with them and I don't see any other way to keep them. They are the reason I even wake up. They keep me from muscle atrophy, they have to go out, they have to eat and so on. With Gods grace and help I am able to care for them daily. Most days that is all I can do, but Thankfully I have them to push me to do it or I would never leave the bed. I think I covered everything you asked and more. Thank you again for responding. I am going to read up on your babes now. Hugest Hugs, Prayers and Thanks for taking the time to come here and respond. God Bless you always, Kandi Ann


At 11:52 AM, Blogger Michele said...

Oh sweetie... Of course... Many prayers for you! I dont know why God gives us the challenges He does. I know that, ultimately, we are part of His plan, but that doesnt make going through the hard times easier. Reading about your twins, I know they are indeed in heaven with our babies, all waiting for the day that we will all be together.

It breaks my heart to read of your situation and I hope that God opens a window as these doors are closing: a new nurse, a new home... I will light a candle for you at Mass tomorrow and pray that He brings you to a safe place, where your needs are met and you feel safe.

Sending hugs...

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Kandi Ann said...

Michele. Feeling safe. That is a very illusive feeling in my entire life. Is there some scripture that can help me with this? Thank you for lighting a candle. That makes me feel good and full of faith. Hugest Hugs.


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