Learning to enjoy life

I am totally new to blogging. I have been reading some great blogs for years and haven't made friends like I see all the other great woman I read doing. I leave comments but only T*a*m*a*r*a has really ever responded and sometimes a private blogger will give me a tiny comment back.

I keep a live journal and have a few friends on there that are real friends though never met 4 out of 8 of them so I consider myself very blessed. I have Aspergers Syndrome and other stuff that interferes with my life in a major way. The biggest one (aside from the truly physical painful ones of course) is that my social skills are skewed. I don't speak in a way that others respond to. I have decided to keep a real blog anyways. I don't have to have a following. It took me 6 years to get here. I wanted an online support system like I see others have so because I couldn't really make friends from comments I didn't go forward with my own blog. Now I just want to keep a diary of life with Aspergers and my life so my family can come read about what I truly go through since I don't really share, I hide in my home and in my head and don't feel safe any where yet.

I also felt a bit obligated to start blogging since I reached out for help from another blogger. I don't know if (you) she will ever come here to check but she sent me a bunch of links to try to help me get help. All I have to do is start clicking and asking for help there. I have taken the first step. I called the place that provides my PCA (Like a nurse/could even be a nurse) since I can't seem to keep one due to my Aspergers and lack of communication skills IRL and was provided within the hour a temp PCA. So far she and I have hit it off and though my dream last night that she too told me she couldn't handle the job shook me up I don't feel IRL that she is really going to quit.

I am going to go with the anonymous blogging since I am scared to live where I do and I live alone and have had my life threatened by a real live person that used to live next door to me. I prefer the in towners that don't know me, to stay that way, as I am a sitting duck so to speak. I can also speak more freely about what I have, How I deal with it and so on and not feel weird as much as I do when I come out and tell someone who I am and about my life.

So for today, Its early. Before noon. I don't ususally find myself up this early. I went down early last night so that would be the reason I woke up early. I actually woke up, sat up in bed, took my morning pain pill, scooted back, turned on a movie and my wonderful S*e*r*v*i*c*e D*o*G reminded me of her very existance and I grumped a bit, giggled and got up and let her out.

My cat Kamicaze (Not her real name) Just knocked over the tempations treat bottle so I had to go give all of them treats. I am miserable if I cannot afford extra's for my babies each month. I live on a very set income and some months I will have extra that I should probably learn to save for an emergency but the draw to go out and get chew bones and treats and canned food for the kids is too tempting. At my age of almost 40 I think I will finally be buckling down and putting money back for emergencies.

I love kids. I chose to have a full hysterectomy due to my genetic problems and I helped my sis raise her three boys and I have kids in my life now so even though I wish I had my own family, I am not too sad over my decision. I wouldn't want to be the cause of another person, especially one I created to suffer 1/4 of the things I go through.

Today I have taken my pain meds to where they help me function and keep the pain mostly at bay. I go through cycles. Yesterday I took them right too. Then I will get to a point where my kidneys hurt and I stop all form of medicinal help and drink lots of juice and water and sleep a lot till I feel the pain, well the regular pain and not the back/kidney pain and start with my meds again. I am on such strong meds that I am afraid they will wipe me out if I take them properly though when I take them properly I feel really good for a few days and then its a no win for me. Days can pass with me not taking the meds and I can just float through them with sleep and laying about then I just want to do something, anything, besides wasting away and I will take my meds again like I am supposed to. That would be today. The reason I can type so much without my fingers twisting inwards with my hands and not being able to type or do much.

I am only on one medication for mental disability and that is Xanax. I probably should be on more but the cocktail I am on is a lot and I just don't want to add to it.

One of the side effects of the medication I'm on is night paralysis (your brain wakes up, but it takes your body forever to wake up as well, you are aware but cannot move) this leads to a serious anxiety attack, and it prevents me from getting up to reach my morning meds for sometimes upwards of an hour. So not pleasant. I would like to teach my S*e*r*v*i*c*e D*o*G to bring my meds and a bottle of water to me. That would really be helpful.

Also this last paragraph I found online and re wrote it to fit my personal problem as it was not my wording. I had been trying to find a way to explain this for a while and I finally read someone else who (and I am so sorry to hear someone else goes through this as well because it truly sucks) suffers the same thing and was able to put it into words.

For now. I will go. I am very tired at this point. I could go on and on if my brain was the only thing powering this post but the pain in my shoulder and wrist, and my fingers is getting intense.

Here is a picture of Kamikaze Kitty. She is such a great girl.



Thanks for reading. (Her real name is in the picture name I just don't want people I know that I don't want reading to be able to search us.)

posted by Kandi Ann @ 9:08 AM