Learning to enjoy life

Online Bullies

There is a beautiful little boy I Pray for and follow on facebook who has the best smile ever. Someone was harassing his Mama Sarah today and it upset me to no end. I cannot even imagine how It must have upset her. So I got away from the computer and colored them a picture. If you want to follow them,  it is "Prayers for Hayden Broin" on facebook. Send them lots of Prayers daily. They will really appreciate it. Here is the picture I colored for Hayden.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 8:00 PM 1 comments

Don't want to be in my head right now! AKA Autism Brain, oh the fun.

There was so much going through my head about a game my husband and I play together. WS*OP
 I actually got angry about something going on with one of the games I play. I in fact am still upset about it. DH changed my name in the game so no one could locate me in real life, he did not change his. Now strangers are hunting him down and collecting all his free coins. Something I did every morning since it was our thing together and for a week now, the coins have been all collected. So DH is going to change his name, I am going to block those strangers and the problem will be fixed.

This picture shows the clickable thing that gives me 20,000 coins for each one. I used to get like 20 each morning. Now the facebook page will be changed to friends only and I will get them again. It is my thing. I don't want to feel petty but I do. But it is also DH and my thing to share. I put too much thought into this I know. But that is how my brain works. It just wouldn't let it go to the point I had to write it out. Usually after a "write out" I am ok and can go on and think of something else.



   I am sure the strangers can stalk other people and get their points but ours are for our friend  SH and US. DH feels bad about not sharing with the strangers and I understand that, I felt bad for a minute and realized if he can find DHs he can find others too. I do not collect any except from DH and SH (Dear Husband and our friends first and last initial) Then I thought, first world problems because I see that a lot online, its a thing people now post when someone complains about something that isn't big, like getting bombed or starving or disease. Do I even have a right to have such petty feelings? I think I do

   This is the simple life I live now, it has definitely not always been so simple. I was born in the US. I am just who God made me though. I have to go with it. I am thankful. I started life out good for eight years, got abused, ended up on the street and I had a hard life. It could have been way worse I am sure, and why do I even say it could have been way worse? For me it was HELL. I recently read we are not supposed to compare our lives to others, I cannot remember if it is Biblical or where I read it.

  This is what I do for others, because I have a heart for everyone.  I Pray for a lot of babies and people who need it. I have a home that I would love to take in a family in true need. We have opened our home to a homeless man so far and he ended up doing a drug called meth in our home and my Grand baby was in his room since she was just a toddler and that room is right off the kitchen and I just happened to find his stuff to use drugs on the floor where the baby could have gotten it if she wasn't run after to get her out immediately. We asked him to leave. I cannot have that in my house. I felt sad because, he is a veteran and he was so low he didn't even want to fight to have a normal life. Going to fight for our country really wreaks havoc on a person. I wasn't the one to be able to help with that particular problem, it could have cost us everything, but my heart did go out to him. 

For myself to get through the days, I color and I take care of my rats and critters and I play games and also when the pain isn't horrid, I love to straighten up stuff and clean. I have been blessed, after ten years of really wanting a Dyson Vacuum, I finally got one. Total heaven for someone who loves things super clean.

   I saw an article today on a veteran that lost his home http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/town-demolishes-veterans-house-while-he-has-surgery/ar-AAfLzph?ocid=spartandhp and I actually posted asking how I can help. I would love to see him get a go fund me page. Everyone re posts stuff about helping and people say do something instead of just re-posting so I am trying. Not a whole lot I can do being a shut in and broke but I am trying to do what I can. Anyone reading this can send Prayers to him too.

 Well, that was a lot of stuff rattling around in my head. I feel calmer now and I wonder if I shared too much or made myself look weird. I have had a lot of people and I mean a lot, tell me how sorry they were for upsetting me and I was never angry. My words do not go across to others as gentle, as they are always intended and I hate that about being autistic. I want to fit in. I really do. I know I never will. I am already 46 and it hasn't happened yet.

 







 Above pictures are from the National Dog Show, 2015 for choosing Best In Show. Right from the start, my pick was Charlie, and this made me so happy cause Charlie took the win!!! I wonder if I was able to move without pain and anxiety et if I would have actually been a good judge. Still basking in the fact my pick won. Good job Charlie. Your adorable and perfect.

 This blog is for me to read in the years to come and I would like it to help someone in the process too. If anyone actually made it through this, Thank you. And also, I will answer any questions anyone would have for me at anytime. Well, maybe not any, but always respectfully asked ones for sure.

 And now for my new game I have found that I am really enjoying. It is from gametop.com and it is called The Far Kingdoms age of Solitaire and it is solitaire with a major flairand makes it very fun. You build stuff with gold you earn, their games are always free and they go all out making them worth playing.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 8:46 AM 0 comments

Horrible pain this AM.

 I was ready to go to the Dr. this morning about 11 am. I checked my calendar and it is Saturday. Of course. (No I do not keep track of the days yet. Maybe someday) Then I remembered that I forgot to take my morning Tramadol. Yep. I actually called myself stupid and that has always been a bad word. Then I was sitting around sooo very hungry wishing my husband was awake (Yep, he feeds me anytime I need being fed, I am not a kitchen person, I prefer to think of the kitchen as a magical place that spits food out all pretty and ready to eat, no worries, this was agreed upon before we even said I Do!) After about fifteen minutes of squirming, as we do not wake each other if we can help it, I remembered that DH got cereal for me so I could feed myself in the morning if he wasn't up. So I set that bowl down next to my chair when I had my fill, forgot it was there, tripped over it and it went over and made a mess. I don't get stressed over stuff like that though, I just cleaned it up. I know I spill and drop stuff so I am usually very careful where I put my drinks and food. But know, if I change it up, there will be spillage.

 We cleaned rat cages today and I got some great pictures of my babies. Here are the favorites. The first one I call, "Oh Nemo"!






The next one is Julia our kitten helping me, or making cleaning cages just a bit harder. Love this girl.





This third one is Gideon. My first self Cinnamon (I think, rare color for me anyways). He has a bit of congestion from getting a bit of a chill, I would like to ask for Prayers for him. He is my honey and I just adore him.



O.k. One more. I love reading blogs with pictures and I hope when I read back a few years from now, that I am delighted by the fact I have saved all of this.


This next picture is Pie Aka Life of Pie. This is not a trick of the camera. He really is that big, our biggest boy in fact. He is our Angels son.






 Well, I guess that is all. I am trying to write every day. I want people who have family that are autistic to find this because I am 46 and still do not feel like a grown up. I grew up on the street, left home at 10 the first time and missed out on so much of being raised and taught and I never figured it out. I do believe if my Mother wasn't as amazing as she was with me for those first many years, I wouldn't have made it. And even though I left home due to another family member, she still took care of me financially till I got my SSI at 21. And even then she did what she could, still does actually. I know I am blessed.  I am on week one of being on a schedule and am so dang proud of myself I am tweeking it and trying to get it right. I used to sleep 12 to 15 hours a night but I was also up for 36 to 48 hours at a time because I DO NOT SLEEP WITHOUT MEDS. So now I am finding that since I have been sleeping every night, nine hours is good and I pop up at 4 am. Not so good. so now I am pushing bedtime till about 8:30 pm or 9:00. Hoping I am successful. I am finding I am very excited that I actually get a little sleepy at night now and look forward to going to bed and look forward to getting up.

  Ok, one more thing, my dear friend Jessica said she might come over tomorrow, and for the first time ever, I didn't have to say, well text first to see if I am awake. I will be awake and that is that. What a blessing this schedule is turning out to be.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 6:14 PM 0 comments

Happy Thanksgiving! Next day recap

 Up at 4 am to thaw out the Turkey, eh, up that early cause I couldn't sleep, so I thawed out the Turkey. Woke the hubby up around eight after the turkey was thawed because he is the cook around these parts. We had a nice day. I spent all day watching The Joey and Rory Show on RFDTV . I spend most days in my room in my chair and yesterday was no exception. I did make it a point to go downstairs and get a few pictures. I need to remember next year to get a picture of myself. But at least I got the hubby, the bird, the green bean casserole and my plate. It was amazing. Except the casserole. Found out today that the Cream of Mushroom soup was different as was the topping. I sure could tell by taste but I didn't miss it. The turkey with gravy and Stove Top sure filled me up. I am Thankful to be inside. I will never forget being homeless and alone. We are very blessed to have had our fourth Thanksgiving together. Here are a few pictures.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 3:12 PM 0 comments

My Girls

These are our girls. The first picture shows Cammie and Julia. Cam is the boss of the house and judging by the picture, Julia knows this.






 Julia is very photogenic, so here are a few cute ones from a few days ago of her.








  This picture is of Taylor. Time goes by so fast. It seems like yesterday when I got her at 6 months old. Now she is eight and showing her age.

 

 And a better one of Cammie, I cannot do anything without my lil Shadow being in the same room, usually underfoot, here I had just laid down a bed clean from the wash and she got right in it. She is 9 years old, she was born in  my basement to a rescued cat I had taken in for a friend whos son told her the cat had to go. Camerone was my keeper baby.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 5:53 AM 0 comments

Games that make you pay to play

Candy Crush Saga






 I am disabled physically, and also mentally different then a lot of people so I spend a lot of time playing computer games. I do not have a problem paying for a game. One time fee. It is games like Candy Crush Saga and WSOP that prey on people with addictions who just want to play games they like. I will never give these games my money. Seeing someone upset due to having no more play time on these games is sad and the makers do not care. All they care about is money. Well, You won't get my money Candy Crush Saga or any of the other games that make you pay more then once to play.

  Another way I look at it is, I actually loved (but deleted it and wont play it) Candy Crush Saga but I cannot afford to play it and do not have the friends to send me lives, nor do I want to friend people just for a game or make another facebook just to get friends to play, that becomes too much of a pain. I just wanted to sit back and play. I would have paid a one time fee of twenty dollars possibly to get to enjoy it. But not what they are asking. No way. 



  If you are reading this and want some cool games to play that do not ask for money or only ask once use google play store and google. One of my favorites is Flow Free Bridges. Another is Clutter IV. I have over 30 games on my computer though so if you want other recommendations just ask. I will be glad to share. Remember, if you spend your money that you know you shouldn't, that takes away from your food money or important stuff you need, on games that are constantly asking, you will have nothing to show for it except an empty belly and regret and these big gaming companies are rich, preying on the weak and disabled do not allow yourself to be a victim, we are smarter then that. 

posted by Kandi Ann @ 12:17 PM 0 comments

Weirdest Dream

 I don't usually share my dreams. Last time I did, I stopped dreaming for a while. But my dreams to me are so neat that I am going to try again. So last night, I dreamed that I lived in a huge house with many rooms and my dearest friend Nette drove from Washington to Kansas to see me and help me through some stuff. My cousin Charlotte also came to visit and her and the person she came with stayed in one room. When she moved she fell off the bed and the person whom I cannot identify, that was with her, craddled her in their arms and lifted her back on the bed. She had no feet. I did see a little boy with a missing part of his arm and leg yesterday and a picture of my cousin Charlotte so I am going to go with that being the reason that scene played out in my dream. Back to the dream. I walked out and met Nette and her family and gave her a hug then the dream switched to me trying to find which room she and her family chose to stay in. I found them all in one room on one bed, in my dream mind I thought it was amazing that they all chose to be together. What a nice family.

 Also, something very odd to mention, my husband is downstairs and every  time I go to write a blog post he starts talking to me from there. It is so strange how the timing happens like that.

  After I said my Prayers, which I Prayed for every one I could think of I was thinking of sleeping in the same room as my husband. That might have prompted the dream part where every one was in the same room. We do not sleep together or even in the same room due to both of our medical issues. I wish we could though. I would like to try again with our beds in the same room. Actually sleeping in the same bed for now is not an option. I wake up if he breaths and last time, the very last time we slept in the same bed, I knocked in to him accidentally and he kicked me hard. Just thinking he was sleeping helped me get past that.

 Here is the picture I talked about last night. I took the picture on my phone, uploaded it to facebook then saved it from there. I really have to start using my camera and dumping the pictures daily, my goal, or even once a week, till I get into a groove.



 I watch Friends and Law and Order SVU usually all day. I am really into things being the same and I am comforted by the voices of these shows.We still haven't eaten breakfast nor has the desire been there. I guess I did so much yesterday that my body is mad at me and hurting pretty bad. Hopefully I will feel better here shortly. Oh and first day in four I haven't had a engergy drink.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 10:20 AM 0 comments

feeling better

 Trying to find out how much I can personally stick in one day and be happy as I have been the last few days. I have finally gotten on a schedule of going to bed at night and waking in the morning. Nothing in my life has been lived like I see other people living. Like eating on time, or a proper meal even. So far we are eating breakfast for the past few days and today I had soup and a burrito for dinner. I did clean one of my rats cages and did laundry and colored a page I downloaded of the internet. A picture of a camera which is my favorite to date.


 I don't have an easy way to quickly upload a picture of the finished product but if someone actually wants to see it, just comment and I will add it to this post. I am hoping to add taking a few pictures a day along with daily Prayer to our days. I also want to write daily. Finding topics should be fun, I hope to anyways because I love the way it feels to type and having something a few years from now to read is interesting too. Although I find that what I read from the past is the same as what I have been going through in this present. So now to change it up and start living a bit better. Sitting like a lump every day and not doing anything is not what I have ever really wanted to do. Now ideas are coming to me of things I would like to do. So one day at a time, tomorrow up by seven AM and start my day. I cannot wait. xoxoxoxoxo 

posted by Kandi Ann @ 5:27 PM 0 comments

Adoption, my thoughts, are they colored by Autism?

 Disclaimer, I am writing this because I almost legally adopted a teenage daughter. The only thing that prevented it was the money needed to  pay the attorney, who was crooked anyways. ;o(  These are just things I think about. I see things online and think, wow that is so hurtful to an adopted child. like this meme. There are so many making adoption appear as undesirable as can be.



  I woke up thinking about that commercial that is on TV. The one where the guy is talking about his family tree and he thought he was German but turned out to be Irish. That is a major surprise right there. Which made me think about adoption. I remember when I had an attorney for the adoption of my teenage daughter, the birth certificate, which we got a preliminary copy, had my name listed as birth mother. I was so happy. Now looking back, I didn't feel like I do now as of today. People say they want to carry on their family name but how many people are really not even in that actual bloodline? I feel people have a right to know if they are adopted. I feel if I adopted an infant and didn't tell my child they were adopted that I am lying to them, the biggest lie I would ever tell them, for me, it would be because I didn't want to share my child with anyone. That would be a reason I could come up with for not telling because I see so many people looking for their birth families, saying they never felt like they fit in their adopted families, even if they were never told of their adoption till they were older, they know, they just do.

  Is protecting your adopted child from a bad parental past enough reason to lie? Like if the parents of the child you adopt were kidnappers or murderers? I don't know. I haven't been there. I would like to think, no matter what, I would never betray my child's trust. The only one who can answer this, would be children in this situation. I personally would still hope I wouldn't lie.

Birth Certificate-  My own almost adopted daughter asked me previously not to tell people she was adopted, she wanted people to think I am her birth Mom, we look alike and she asked me this as an adult.. I don't know if she is thinking real Mom but she prefers it not be mentioned. I feel like she is my child. End of discussion. That is just how I feel. I wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to being or saying your adopted. The memes they make say it all. So many putting down adoption. No one thinks about who they will hurt. Like this one that says, Imma scratch whoever told you, you were adopted. What a shame. A child has the right to know right from the start.I would not steal that from a child because I feel insecure about my position in the child's life.  It is amazing to be entrusted with someones child, now your child from here on ever after. All of your child. They give you permission to raise their child, that right there says a lot. They picked you. I am not talking about children adopted from Foster care. I do have an opinion on that too., three of my Grand babies were adopted out through foster care. 




 The way the world is now, so down on adoption, I would want my child to have their original Birth Certificate and also one from the adoption so for every single thing that needs a birth certificate in the future that would show the child/adult was adopted, and the way the world is at this time, I can see the need to have the adopted parents in the birth parents spot. For now I guess, it is a necessary evil. 

I feel I would be lying to my child if I just put my name there and they didn't have the first Birth Certificate. That is what I feel now that we are doing when we put our name on the Birth Certificate in that place. Even when you adopt an AKC dog, they still have their parents listed on the certificate and your name as adopter is there also. No matter what you do, what you do not do, you will not be anymore or any less then the child you adopts second parents. That is not to say, less then parents. Just the second ones. What an awesome Blessing to have a child to raise that would not have happened if someone didn't feel led to give up their child to me.


Openness aka Open Adoption,  Raising the child/children-should the natural parents have a say? I wouldn't allow it. So long as I am not abusing the child, the child is my child to raise and love and bring up, this is what I was entrusted to do. If they have an opinion, unless I ask for it, they should keep it to themselves. They are and always will be the first parents but they gave up the right to have any say in the first 18 years of the child's life. Adopted parents, If you treat your child with disrespect and they have another set of parents to turn to, they will. Start with a good foundation, you reap what you sow. I was raised by natural parents and I moved out at ten the first time, so its not an adopted verses natural parent thing, its knowing how to raise your child up to love and respect you and come to you when they are in the worst of times. If I am worried they will leave me at 18, I would make the first 18 years the best of their lives. A life that includes their first parents. Even if we have to have holidays and birthdays together. I would really want that to be forever. After all, if I adopt, it is to have family and the larger a family is the more amazing to me.

 Being autistic, I think of all sorts of things. And I will share things when they come to mind and I cannot shake them. I have found once I write stuff down I am more calm. If you have read this, thank you. These are my own thoughts, I am not trying to sway anyone in any direction, except maybe to have love in your heart for your kiddos first family if possible.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 8:41 AM 0 comments

Joey, I'm so sorry! (reference Jennifer Nettles song)

I had a bad time with over heating and sweating and then having trouble standing myself. It took me 24 hours in which I didn't sleep to finally get up and get in the shower. It was like going to Disney world. I thanked God a few times for letting me be able to get up and get it done. The pain lately, is horrid. Most of the pain is from accidents from when I was younger. I am 46 now, so most injuries are over a decade old except when I passed out and fell down my concrete basement stairs 9 years ago, the year and month Cammie the cat was born. I always feel better after writing. Like a quiet that just creeps in and it is wonderful.

 So, This is for a Sweet Sweet Lady, I just wanted to say Hi, give you a virtual hug, a gentle one, and let you know you are my inspiration. I have plans on making a Prayer room so hang in there so I can use it specifically for you. I think about you all, at least five times a day. I wake up and my first thought is you. I have always loved your family and will be your personal Prayer warrior as long as you need me. Rest, and hang in there while God wraps you in his arms and if it is his will, Blesses you with many more months with your beautiful Family. much love.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 1:44 PM 0 comments

(I wrote this six years ago) 

Is My Child Down Syndrome or does my child "have" Down Syndrome?

*In Honor Of Kristen the Rock Star... May she sing with the Angels. Rip sweet girl. Rip.

After I wrote this I lost my house due to the roof caving in and everything fell apart. I lost my other laptop to a virus and almost five years later I have gotten a new one. I will be spending time catching up with Kristen's family, they still write which is awesome. Being gone from the internet so long, or rather not having a computer to make reading easier, coming back and everything is like I left it. My poor brain works too much. So I will be writing and  hopefully calming my thoughts down to a slow crawl. seems when I get  my thoughts out I can relax a bit. Below is from six years ago. I am glad to be back finally!!!

I am 40 yrs old and was diagnosed on the autism spectrum 4ish years ago. Professionally about 3. I googled my diagnosis. I entered things about me that weren't like others and found a fit. It fits too good. As I sit outside my Moms house getting ate up by mosquito's I try to figure out my next move. But I will say, I am autism. I was so upset to find out that the things I like, do, have done 99% autism things. I was angry that every little thing I loved about me I share with so many others like me. I still don't know, if I will ever find something about myself that is just mine so when I saw that question above the other day, then again today somewhere else (sorry, I didn't know I would be posting on it so didn't note where I saw it)


* Polly If you ever end up here, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your blog since Kristen was 21 and until today, Never really said or thought Kristen and Down Syndrome in the same sentence. She is to this day as are you my inspiration.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 6:02 AM 0 comments

15 Rats

I had twice as many rats a few days ago. I gave the others to my friend P. I used to be able to handle thirty plus rats but this year has brought  me more pain. My shoulder is re-injured and just over all arthritis. Researchers say that people that are high functioning autistic like me find this one thing they are interested in and go all out. All my life it has been animals for me. Reading too but that is a subject for a different post. I have also done rescue my whole life. I never had what it took to really run a full blown 501 rescue but I was always available for people to bring unwanted or lost/found animals to me and God always put animals in need in my path when I left my house. This past month I closed my doors. I am no longer able and my husband is just as bad off, maybe worse so its the time. That makes me sad but also it is opening up a new future. A future of just enjoying and spoiling the 18 critters we have now. Two cats, one dog and 15 rats. Bring it on. The picture is Angel, our main man. I cannot wait to get my room cleaned up so he can free range again. He is such an amazing boy.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 5:57 AM 0 comments

just a simple update

November 12, 2015

  Middle of the night and just decided to write again. I am writing soley for myself right now. I doubt what I go through can help any one at this time. I had a horrid wake up in extreme pain. Also had a headache but the barometric pressure dropped so I guess I can blame it on that. I am living in Emporia KS at the moment and really love it here. We live in a two story house that is hold and tips all over and now has wild mice but I love it here. Winter is coming. Very slowly this time. Today is the first in a while that it is in the fifties and it started at four pm. I still raise ratties and have Taylor and Cammie and also a little orange female cat named Orange Julias. Aka Julia. My anxiety gets more severe as I age. I do believe the pain is going to win out and I will seek a different Dr. further from home. I will see.

  In the news.. Starbucks Christmas cup... So much has been said on this already. I don't go to starbucks because I am not paying five or more dollars for one cup of coffee. If I had the money to throw away I would get a horse and name it Starbucks, something I have always said.

 Eight year old boy to be charged in murder of 1 year old he beat to death because she wouldn't quit screaming. They are also charging the little girls Mom which they should. But charging an eight year old that I will guess was beat for being loud and doing what he had done to him, I personally don't like that at all. If they run him through therapy and find he was not beat then I would suggest intense therapy, actually no matter what he will probably need that, but definitely if he acted without witnessing this in his life. He needs Prayers which is something I can do for him from home.

 Eleven year old shot and killed his eight year old neighbor because she wouldn't show him her puppy. In the comments someone stated that this boy was in trouble for bullying this girl in school. I Pray for her parents and his. The gun was his  parents and they both should be charged in the murder. In this day and age, everyone knows to lock up guns. Three decades ago when I was eight, my Dad had many guns, taught me to shoot and respect guns. They were still not left unlocked way back then. People are crying take the guns away from people. I do not agree. I do not wish to not have the choice to have my guns in the house or not. It should be my choice, well, it is my choice right now. I wish to keep that as my choice. I do not fear gun owners as a whole and no one should. This little boy was so angry, I believe with everything in me, he would have grabbed a kitchen knife if he didn't have the gun. I also believe there would have still been a gun in that house!!!!! His parents did not show any care when not locking up their gun, even knowing it is the law. I would peg them as a gun owner even if the right to own guns freely was gone.

  I am writing here because I have my thoughts on things and need an outlet. I do not wish to get involved in the comment wars people have. I know many people agree and many don't. This is not written to change minds. I am really not expecting a ton of readers or am I looking for readers. I just love to write. The feeling of the key board. But I cannot write things I do not live. I have a simple life, I play computer games and read news online and watch tv. So simple stuff and I enjoy it. Please if you comment, keep that in mind. xoxoxo


April 5, 2014 I did not realize that this blog was even still active. i received an email saying it was gone. i am doing ok. livng back in ks. im going to post this to see how it works and try to post a cutie picture of my grand daughter too.

posted by Kandi Ann @ 12:06 AM 0 comments