Saturday, May 29, 2010

I'm Not "THAT" Kind Of Mom!

This is what I heard last night right before I fell into a drug induced (all legal here folks, all legal and within safe limits for the record) sleep at about 7 pm. That kind of Mom, she explained, is the Mom that wants to get involved with their autistic Kid and advocate for them. Be emotionally there for them. She can't do that and requested I move out. I mean? really? I already live on the back porch. I am helping where I can and I am just heart broken. For now, I can't write much more about it as its early and my fingers from the pain still aren't ready to take d irectiion (I won't correct that one) from my brain. More later. xoxo, Kandi Ann

Thursday, May 20, 2010

What???? Or even, Dang Autism Sucks.

Wow. I woke up at 5 ish to the sprinkler hitting the house. I didn't much care for that so I got up. Also, didn't help that I slept all day yesterday, got up, took meds, drank-re hydrated, ate and then back to bed.

I have a new reader. (Hi Tiff). I will really enjoy having you here, I do have my same, omgah I will miss a comment and she/readers will think I don't care back thoughts, but that is so far from the truth, I just haven't a clue how to find comments except when I check the days post and if it has a comment on it.

I am so excited for Nolan's birth!!

(this post has been partially deleted due to my growing discomfort with where I am in life, I am happy and trying my best to be a great child of God. I don't know anything else right now.)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

This Post is so very hard for me.

"Chrissie" ( Has gone to be with Jesus. I Prayed yesterday. I had my Mom put her on the Church Prayer chain. I was shocked to see she was gone just now when I went to her page.

Chrissie, You are a Serbian American sensation and I am so glad your no longer suffering. You are a testament to Gods grace. I can't wait to see you dance your heart out in Heaven. God Bless you and rest your weary soul. My Heart goes out
to the hospital crew, Her Parents, and her siblings. xoxo, Kandi

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Monday, May 17, 2010


DUE NOVEMBER 8, 2010- My 3rd Grandbaby by my Daughter Amanda. So excited. I think after 2 boys, she may be getting a Girl! She is terrified of a girl and thinks she will mess it up. I have seen her with family friends little girls and she is so patient. I know she will do fine. (For the record, I don't think baby is due till December, we shall see)

Grief- (And another post. I'm even surprised)


Sitting here wishing for my Mothers love. After all, she did Pray to get pregnant with me and then not to lose me right? I have often times thrown in her face "I wish you didn't Pray for me" (because of a very special little boy Nolan, I won't ever do that again) because of the life I have had and continue to have. Since I have become a Prayer warrior for the unborn/sick young lives I am led to, well really just a few days ago, It hit me. I don't know how powerful my own Prayers are. I feel they are heard and answered and so far Thank You God for this, not one Baby I Prayed for to survive has actually not survived. I always know (God sent, not me. I know this) how to Pray and 3 or so times, it was heart felt to Pray for family understanding that it was time to let go and all in Gods will, I can't not mention that. I see this will be all over the place now. So I will let my autistic mind lead me in finding my own PTSD recovery, and if its writing run on paragraphs that helps, I'm going to go with it.
There was one precious little baby I remember Praying for and knowing that my Prayers would never be enough because God told me that the Mothers faith in him was small and I even sent her a comment telling her to have more faith. (ballsy I know, but I felt Gods words on my heart so heavy) So I don't remember my Prayers for the exact words but it was more about the Mother finding faith. That sweet baby is with God now.

Well, I hate unfinished posts. I even tried to send this to my live journal where all the worst of the worst embarrassing crud goes and I can't get semagic to log me in. So I will go for now. What started this post is the mind numbing pain in my heart and literal stomach pain from things my Mom says and does. Basically I know she has PTSD also and its a big mountain I am on, if you consider being at the bottom being on it at all, and my goal is to hit the top smiling and for her to know that I love her and understand, even through my pain and fighting for my place in this home, I do understand. xoxo, Kandi Ann

Two days in a row. (amazing)

Well I needed to bounce out of bed this morning. My Mom is so not big on "tension" (her word for it for today). I asked her last night to wake me and bring me my baby (Taylor, my Service dog) this morning and she said if she remembered. So I couldn't sleep in. All that work I did yesterday in anticipation that I would get to sleep in since the house would be quiet was BLOWN! and I am ok. Smiling even. No one is dragging me down again. (O.K I am trying positivity. Go with it. Especially if you know me.)

I asked my sister to NOT feed my dog. NOT let her jump on her. Last time I slept in and she came over to go to work with Mom she let her do both THEN called me that night to "brag" about it. I was Pissed. so instead of letting that happen again I have to prevent it. She is a Service Dog. Not a pet you can just let do what she has been taught not too. So yeah, I'm up and now my sister is not talking to me cause I flipped out on her last time. Seriously?? What did she expect? Me to let her walk all over me like she used to? It AIN'T happening again. I finally grew a backbone somewhere along the way. I love her dearly. She raised me but wow is she mean. She has always had 2 sides. The caring I love you taking care of me side then the side where she talked about me behind my back and always was verbal mean. I don't even know if she realizes it. I wish she could just be nice. Find God in her heart. I will keep Praying for it. Until then, I guess its best if we don't hang around together. I get "Judgmental" around her and that isn't good for my soul. Off to try to enjoy my day. xoxo, Kandi

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Go figure, I'm in a great mood and feel like writing.

Which is so out of character for me. I usually only feel driven to write when I am hurting or in a crappy mood.

I am sitting out back of my moms house by the pool on my laptop taking a break from sweeping. my feet burn and my body hurts and I have done less then the size of a large bathroom. It looks much better where I swept and I love to see accomplishment. I am learning to accept the pain and make myself smile when I wake up. Sooo hard but so worth it. Took me 40 yrs to figure out being a crab arse isn't helping my already sad state of mind.

I was worried about my virus protection on my computer running out tomorrow and I told my Mom's roommate (who is becoming my friend too. He listens to me, he laughs with me, and he talks with me. I Lurve him, and Taylor loves her Grandpa too!) and he helped me get an updated one. So I am in an ultra good mood. I really thought I would have to put my computer away for an unknown amount of time till I could afford it myself because I won't use the computer online and risk it getting zonked. I put in my 20 dollars Mom gave me for gas (or whatever I may have needed) and he gets a rebate so it wasn't too bad and I am so so grateful.

Autism sucks and then you ask for help and are surprised but delighted when your obliged. I am so not used to this. At comp usa (Please forgive the non usage of capitals, it hurts to type so I just go with it and am grateful to even get this much down) there was horrible beeping every few seconds. I asked the guy there if he wanted me to stay inside and look around he would make it disappear (I was very respectful in asking) and at first he didn't hear it, then he did and then he made it go away. WOW. that was awesome. The only fall back was the employee's all were calling my dog to them, she is a service dog and needs to focus on me. That is always frustrating but more so when its the workers that do this. If I go back, and it happens again I will ask a manager to have his staff just let me browse/buy if I need to.

So I guess that is it. There were some bad stuff from today that really got to me but today, (can't promise tomorrow) I am going to not write about them. God Bless You All!!! xoxo, Kandi Ann & Taylor Abigail (Service Dog/Best friend)

Monday, May 03, 2010

Autism & Being 40

The signs were there early on of my autism. I would cry when asked to do a simple chore because my tiny brain wanted to do it all instead of the chore asked. Clean your room meant all my toys had to be lined up together before being put away. There were others, But God had my back even then. He gave me a Mom who believed in schedules and I believe that is why I survived here as long as I did without any one knowing or seeking a diagnosis. Yeah, you read that right, here, I'm back home with my Mom, in the same house and It's an adjustment.

I am still learning about me daily. What makes me tick. Especially in the case of 10, 12 and 13/14 yr old me. My innocence was taken at 8. The person who took it should have never done that. He's dead. He was my father, I loved him, I feared him and I left home every chance I got because being "violated" hurt my senses of what was right, what my body didn't like and I remember laying down (this is at 10 yrs old, I lost my best friend Noel because I took her with me and her parents (I understand now why, forbid our friendship after that) in an abandoned house on the next street over in the arms of a grown man and not feeling fear. This man had never hurt me, I didn't feel he would and Thank all that is God that I was right, I believe he got us home though I don't really remember because the hurt/shock over losing Noel was the worst and that sticks out stronger even then the kind angel who watched out for us. I told him my real age (I didn't learn to lie about that for another year or 2) and my story of why the big bad streets were less scary then being at the house where I was supposed to be nurtured not raped. I told any one that would listen for that matter. Family members didn't help. I had to help myself.

I ended up 6 hrs from home by hitch hiking and ended up back at home and the loss of another friend Wanda. Fast forward almost 30 yrs and I got my dream come true to be back here again, to have a chance to build a relationship with my Mom, though each room has a memory, the room that will be mine is where my Dad shot himself to death and my sister and I cleaned up the mess, the mess that was his brains and skull, the mess that flashes to my mind every time I see that hole still in the ceiling. Another room is where he took my innocence, another is where he pointed a gun at us and threatened to kill us and I asked to use the restroom and just ran out of the house and to a friends, which I am sure saved us. We lost so many years together. I need a spot I can go to reboot though and that is what I am Praying for. My room to be cleaned out so I can get in there and start living life. I want to be inspirational to someone. To prove that suicide is never the answer. I have fought it for so long, and Saturday felt like a day that made this sucky life worth it. It was a normal day, Mom and I watched 2 movies and had fun laughing and having a meal together and I want more of that. But mostly I want to be understood.

I know I was going somewhere with this but it turned into a mish mash of thoughts that I live with. And now I am tired and don't want to ditch the post because I worked hard on it so for now, I will say, I am a survivor of abuse, misunderstanding and feel so displaced but I have Hope! and that is what will keep me going another day. xoxo, Kandi Ann