Monday, May 17, 2010

Grief- (And another post. I'm even surprised)

PTSD.

Sitting here wishing for my Mothers love. After all, she did Pray to get pregnant with me and then not to lose me right? I have often times thrown in her face "I wish you didn't Pray for me" (because of a very special little boy Nolan, I won't ever do that again) because of the life I have had and continue to have. Since I have become a Prayer warrior for the unborn/sick young lives I am led to, well really just a few days ago, It hit me. I don't know how powerful my own Prayers are. I feel they are heard and answered and so far Thank You God for this, not one Baby I Prayed for to survive has actually not survived. I always know (God sent, not me. I know this) how to Pray and 3 or so times, it was heart felt to Pray for family understanding that it was time to let go and all in Gods will, I can't not mention that. I see this will be all over the place now. So I will let my autistic mind lead me in finding my own PTSD recovery, and if its writing run on paragraphs that helps, I'm going to go with it.
There was one precious little baby I remember Praying for and knowing that my Prayers would never be enough because God told me that the Mothers faith in him was small and I even sent her a comment telling her to have more faith. (ballsy I know, but I felt Gods words on my heart so heavy) So I don't remember my Prayers for the exact words but it was more about the Mother finding faith. That sweet baby is with God now.

Well, I hate unfinished posts. I even tried to send this to my live journal where all the worst of the worst embarrassing crud goes and I can't get semagic to log me in. So I will go for now. What started this post is the mind numbing pain in my heart and literal stomach pain from things my Mom says and does. Basically I know she has PTSD also and its a big mountain I am on, if you consider being at the bottom being on it at all, and my goal is to hit the top smiling and for her to know that I love her and understand, even through my pain and fighting for my place in this home, I do understand. xoxo, Kandi Ann

2 Comments:

At 6:02 PM, OpenID studentrntiffany said...

Thank you for letting us touch your life as much as you have touched ours.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger Kandi Ann said...

Thank you also. Thank you for reading. I used to reach out and try to find people that could help me and finally last night (wow God has your family touching me in sweet unexpected ways!!)I felt God telling me that he needed me to only have him to turn to till I got to this point in my life that He has my whole heart and its him that gets me up each morning. So moving forward with a new friend is such a Blessing from God. xoxo, Kandi

 

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