Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Sad makes happy

This won't be long. I just wanted to note that even though I was made very sad today by hurtful words, I feel lighter without the worry of my cell phone going off every two seconds. I only have a few peoples tweets that come to my phone, and mostly for Prayer purposes, NBI (OMG-he just made me laugh out loud!), Kristimcmom (who has just been released off the mobile alerts since her Miracle baby is here safely and Taylorswift13. So yeah, not really the communicating type. Weird I love twitter so much I guess. NBI if you start tweeting more then oh say once every week, your off too. :o) I still heart you and her and the mini you guys so much, know that, and the twin that is like me in a certain way. :o)

The point is, and someone I just read said the same thing, Home all day makes people think you need to be available to them. Well, my whole life has been devoted to those drop in people. I never (really) took the time for me. So now that I have some how stood up for and pissed off two very close people in my life, I am going to Pray for them and suck in my Christmas gift. Time. Time to do crafts, watch TV, Play with my dog and so on. Oh and resolutions, never been big on them but I think my one for the new year will be, get my shit together. And I will be starting simple. Eat breakfast, call Mom every day and get my meds in me on time. Sure looks easy in print. we shall see. First thing I need to get is the new years flip 365 day calander. Then just put plan into action. And to start off the New year, if my sis follows through, I will have my three girls to help me kick off the New year. So Yay. xoxo, Kandi Ann

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


To my SPP friends. You all know I love this game. Though lately I have been sick and then freaking out about how SPP is acting. I got lucky and didn't get anything I didn't want. I used to have my V**a card on file and the way they sperse the gold items through the coin items is sad. They KNOW, and I know that they are trying to get people to ACCIDENTLY click and buy gold. That is LOW!

Well, I have had Pupkins and I adore him btw, since the start almost. And My inventory is full up. I don't want to have to use the storage units for all my favorite items when I use them. I am always decorating and taking down and snap shots et. I used to do them on my computer with "prnt scrn".

What I want is people to help get the inventory upped, it makes sense. Why spend so much money on a game and be forced to spend hours going back and forth and sending items. It really really a million times REALLY cuts down on my playing time. And when your sick like me, sometimes you get a few good minutes a day.

OK. on to the good stuff. Go buy some coal or something for very few coins. Send it to me, and send me with that gift an item you would like in the comment of the gift section. If I have it, I will send it, if I don't, I will check out your wish list, and If I still don't, I will send something over that I like!! This is my Christmas gift to those in my group. (considering if I even still have a group. sorta scared I got tossed.) Today is the first day I felt good enough to get this typed up.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays to every one at SPP and in my club. xoxo, Kandi Ann

Monday, December 21, 2009

New Stuff For An Aspie

I took full night med dose last night. 1 flexeril, 1 singulair, 2 xanax.

After that..

I spent a long while brushing Taylor. Who btw sheds worse then a long hair dog. Her fur is every where. I have her on good quality of food. She gets good treats and so on. And still sheds. Wish I could figure out how to have her shed less, but I digress. a lot. actually more often then not. :oP Then I took her out back and played ball with her for a while.

I tried to put order to my house since that is the only thing I have control of. I knew I would hurt badly this morning. After the hurt my daughter put me through and the fear I feel for her and my grandson, I had to put distance between us. I can't live through this again.

I usually have to (what I call) reboot my memory in the morning. I will wake up with no memory of anything. I have to look around, (Usually induces major panic attack), and try to remember where/what et. This morning I woke up and I didn't have to "reboot". I just remembered and didn't have my usual panic attack. The only thing I can think of is all that work/stuff I did last night. I don't have any energy left so I will see if I can get some before bed and try again. If I don't come back and update that means the reboot didn't get me back to where I am right now. Fully aware. *fingers crossed*

Very interesting day today is. I feel ok. better then usual. Though hurting which is just life. I feel better able to deal.

Friday, December 11, 2009

So many things to write about (dedicated to my Dear Friend Linda!)....

My Daughter,
She made the most wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner and we are going to be together Christmas Eve and day. I am working hard on her and my SIL'S gift. I hope they like it.

Tank, my wonderful little Grandson, I had gotten a Paint by Number a few years back to do for his older brother "Chatters" and I ran across it about 5 days ago which is when I started it again. The paint is missing from it so I figured I would "TRY" to finish it with Sharpie's magic markers and if it would turn out o.k I would give it to Tank for Christmas. OMGOSH how amazed I was at how great it worked out. I am enjoying each second that I work on it for him. Somehow, with his brother gone, its truly fitting that Tanker gets it, and it matches his nursery colors so well. Its a guy on a motorcycle. I decided due to sentimental value that it must go to Tank.

I have already gotten a Wolf one to do for Chatter's for the day I get to see him again. This too is fitting. I am a major Wolf advocate and lover and since he is older and will be much older when he gets it, I believe he will also know it was the right choice.
What I want each of my Grandbabies to understand is, while I work on their projects that I think of them and how much they mean to me. They are my world.

Taylor, My Service dog. She is so much a part of me. She helps with so much. When I am in pain, she offers hugs and today when I was in so much pain I couldn't let her even get up on me to give me a hug she put her sweet blond paw in my hand and wrapped her light colored toe nails around me hand like she was "squeezing" my hand like you do to comfort someone. I told her how much I love her and thanked her for understanding. Sometimes I forget she isn't human. She is so close though its amazing. Her understanding of me exceeds ANY person I know and for that, I Thank God for sending her to me.

Tay had her first go at wearing her Mutt lucks. Shoes for dogs. I just put the front two on her. Try one was a partial fail, the fail part was she didn't like them. The win part was, she trusts me so much that she wasn't scared of them at all. So I will try again. I don't want her getting stickys in her feet or for her feet to get too cold from being in the snow.

I am autistic. I am o.k with this. I am trying to learn more stuff. I have picked up a few coping skills, like when I am talking to someone, I was taught to listen too. And I really enjoy it. Though sometimes my brain just goes... NO NO MORE, I don't want to hear any more. My heart doesn't feel the same way but I am hyper sensitive so I go on "over load" too dang easy.

I have an Aussie friend, Linda, whom I adore to the moon and back. She was always there for me. Answered every post I made back when I did Live Journal and never ignored me. And this part kills me. I stressed over not being able to answer her back. I shut down my journal because I was afraid to hurt her because of my lack of ability to respond to her responses. In my eyes, there was never a better friend and I walked away. This post is dedicated to her. I will send her my new link and I know she will understand. I am unable to communicate well and I freeze up and don't know what to say. I can't say I will work on it, but I can say, I desire to be able to be a part of our friendship again in some way. I love you Dearly Linda, and I am so sorry I vanished. I miss you so dang much, visiting you is actually at the top of my bucket list. I would be honored if you would continue where I dropped off and comment me here like you did at my live journal if you forgive me. I can't respond well, but I will try to blog more so you know what I am up to.

Taylor Swift- I finally got her Christmas CD. I was devastated last year when I tried to order it off her website and there was an error and I wrote to whomever runs it and never got a response, I hope it was my fault and it got lost to the spam eating folder, but I never got the energy to fight to get it worked out. I am capable of two step stuff and more then that just hurts my brain so I suffered for a year due to stuff my brain does to me. Taylor makes me want to (and I do) Fight So Hard! to be better.
So back to the CD, there weren't any to be had in the stores, so when I saw it this year a couple weeks ago I flipped out, I was so excited and I got it. I know I do things oddly but I had to wait for the right time to listen to it for the first time, and right now, this very second, I have it on and am enjoying it so very much. She is so sweet, humble, grateful, talented, driven and she inspires me. I can't wait to see her in April. I dreamt I met her in real life and she brought her babies to me to help her with. (with Prayer for them). Then she was showing me all the furniture she liked and when she was leaving she gave me the stuff, a white desk and dresser are the only things I remember. She treated me normal, not like most people treat me IRL. And I woke up feeling like a real normal gal. I wish I could make that feeling last. Today is going sorta normalish for me. I am so glad to have my new CD of her's. Its helping with the Christmas spirit.

My Blog name/url. I do NOT run a rescue. Though people still show up at my door with "rescued" animals. God/The Angels must lead them here since I am a shut in. And that two step thing I talked about that comes with the autism. Well, I wanted to change my blog name to Hick chick but it's taken and I have no other ideas or if I can even change it. I have to investigate this. One day. Hopefully, I won't have to start over. The name has become something very important to me. I wish I could get on it and get a new name and get it changed. That is something I really want. So it should be easy, but it isn't. I really am trying to talk myself into getting this done/try to do it. I know I feel so much better when I have an accomplishment. So much better. So happy.

Stalkers- Swell. found this wrote out on my desktop so figured I get it up and out there.

I have a sta*lker. A very hurtful one. So I have (used to anyways) to be super careful of what I write as I was found again when I started my twitter account, and I had never ever used twitter before. Fortunately my stalker isn't the brightest bulb in the box and used her alias while trying to follow me. So I took this private. Then, I came to this conclusion that, what is meant to be will be. I don't care any more. Now I write freely again, and that in and of itself was freeing.

The things I write about, though they are horrible at times, I am not looking for sympathy, Prayers yes. Sympathy no.

When the nurses (really just PCA- Personal Care attendants with no training-unfortunately) don't show and I write about it, I am only writing for therapy, not trying to put any one down. I just feel so alone when the people who get paid so well to take care of me, just don't show, well I don't get how someone can disregard someone else so readily. Which brings me to today, my PCA/nurse showed up and said she read about autism and then quit. So I need a new nurse but I am Once bitten twice shy so to speak. I am terrified to let someone else close to me. Which is why I am trying to step up my learning things and see if I can work my body to some point of it listening to me.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

My Siamese Ratlet "Lautner"

Totally worth a blog post of its own. After getting him home a few weeks ago. Putting him on antibiotics and just adoring him, finally tonight, he took a yoggie drop from my hand. I was so excited. Still am. He is my handsome little dude. xoxo, Kandi Ann


I have them on my memory stick. Being stuck in one spot a lot leads to a major lag in getting the pictures dumped because I have to go to my room and use the old computer and booting isn't its favorite thing to do so its a chore. I cannot use my stick reader on my laptop and that really upsets me. I couldn't find a driver for it and cannot afford to upgrade. So if I get some encouragement to upload I will. IE: If I have any readership at all. And if not, tis ok, I write for me too, mostly me. :o) then I will just wait till I can. I really want to post pictures of my adorable nieces. xoxo, Kandi

Am I the only one this happens too?

Well, My new nurse *Nikel, it happens to her too. Today I was reading about Valet parking on a blog I adore. I looked up and on TV there was a Valet guy right there. Then tonight, I was talking to my daughter about a "window of time" I have tomorrow to get stuff done and on Mystery Diagnosis the Mom mentioned "windows of time". I used to write down every time it happened but it stopped.

And a more simple one that I know happens to others, My nurse and I said the exact same sentence at the exact same time yesterday. We don't know each other well but both got a kick out of it. Which just now, (not then of course) reminded me of the "pinch-poke-you owe me a coke" from when I was a kid.

Monday, December 07, 2009


I am really surprised to find myself wanting to do a blog entry. I wanted to use a fancy font though the options are not very great. So, no fun looking font for this entry. Tis Ok.

One of the things heavy on my mind is another blog I read. I won't put who, though, I want to tell them but I know people think I am a freak anyways so I don't want to put undo weirdness there. Here is my space so I will put it here so I can come back to it and remember, I told myself so. ha!

I have a great ability to "know" (or guess if you wish) what a baby will be before its born. Sometimes before the person even knows they are pregnant. One time, when a pregnancy was ended and I told the person I "dreamt" of a beautiful Blond hair, curly hair little boy about two, and the person broke down in tears and confessed, Oh Lord I could have done without knowing this, but the pregnancy had been ended that day and no one was being told but I triggered something and the horrible news was shared with me. I can still see this little angel boy as clear as over 20 yrs ago.

Another time, more recently, about 5 yrs agoish, my sister told me my niece was pregnant and I immediately saw "twins". I told my sister and she said, she is only 8 wks pregnant and no sonogram yet. Well, I have two great nieces now, faternal twins. lol. It just goes on and on. I "felt" a dear friend, Like a daughter/daughter in law to me would never be able to "have" babies. I felt it so strongly. She has two kiddo's now. Though her uterus wouldn't let her "give birth" the way most wish to. I don't know if that counted or not. I threw that one in the wrong pile anyways.

And that brings me to. Reading, The baby blogs I am brought to, I believe with all my heart its meant to be, at a higher level, Our creators level, and I take this seriously. I Pray for the families I am lead to, each time I click in and read a new post. And so far, Not one family has suffered the loss of the embie they are carrying and the babies go home happy and healthy. I have been a baby Prayer warrior for over 5 yrs. The latest family I have been led to, I feel is having a girl and she is sticky/staying and going to go home and join her big sister in about 8 mos. Though feeling so "safe" doesn't stop me from Praying each time I visit.

Well, I have more to say, but on other subjects so I will end this blog post and move on to another or not, depending if I can type more. xoxo, Kandi Ann

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Saturday, December 05, 2009


My Dearest Chatters,

You turned 2 yrs old yesterday. I am very unhappy with myself that I didn't get this post up for you yesterday. It was a very hard day for your Mama and I. Your supposed to be with us. That is what logic tells us. That is what our hearts tell us. That is what is true in all things belonging to this life. A baby shouldn't be ripped away from his Mama when he is so tiny and needs her so badly. They could have found her housing when your biological Father hurt her and she became homeless. Which brings me to, Your 2 yrs old little man and we can't hug you and celebrate this big achievement with you.

I am writing you in hopes that one day you will see all we have compiled for you and know how much we love you and how much a part of us you are, Even though your adoptive parents get the joy of raising you. I hope you never blame them for you not having us. They were just there with beautiful open loving arms to accept you as their own and could only know what they were told. They didn't know till your brother was with your Mom and they saw pictures that the placement wasn't right. And then, well, its not legal to just give you back, nor do I think they want to since we have had no more pictures of you since. Guilt? maybe? Or maybe they moved you away. We will find out this year before Christmas. We have to know your safe and loved and try to give you the chance to grow up knowing your brother and Mama and Daddy (The Dad who loves you as his own though not biological, and as you already know, you don't need to be blood related to be loved to the moon and back!) We are all making a trip to your county and see what we can come up with.

What I want to say that I am missing the most is you! the simple joy of you! The hugs, the telling each other we love each other. Giggling together. Playing with the toys and bonding and hot chocolate together across the dining room table and just spoiling you rotten as only a Grandma can. I am your Maymay. You are my Grandson. We will be together again and I am sure I will hug you so long you will be squirming for me to stop, but I can't promise you I will. Hope that day comes sooner then later and I hope you had the best Birthday Party any 2 yr old ever could have. I love you so much Trevor Lynn. So very much. xoxo, Maymay

**Added pictures Jan 13,09

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