Learning to enjoy life

So much of everything...

 My dream last night was long and intense. Parts I remember were, waiting for an air strike, it was scary, the biggest part that stands out is me saying, I remember the FIRST time this happened.

(My thoughts on that is, I have always been spooked of war movies or scenes and I absolutely cannot watch them near bed time. Leaves for speculation on my part.)

 Ok. I have to write this out for me, so I don't forget. It is gross, feel free to skip this icky part. A person in my dream said you have an infected sore. It was attached to a desk wrapped in skin with an opening on one side. It was a hotdog wrapped in there. I pulled its capsule off the desk and took it outside to the garbage and it had a zillion baby maggots, when I tried to throw her away, she wrapped a long white tail around my wrist and didn't want to let me go. I made her and then walked away.

 So in my dream, I was moving out of my house and my Dyson was nearby and I was going to use it after I scrubbed and cleaned up. My landlady (not real life one) came by and offered to pay me to clean her house. And she got snippy with me and said if I did a good job I would get my deposit back. I was so upset at her because I didn't clean for the deposit back cause in my dream I wasn't getting one. I was doing it because it is the right thing to do. I was on a deadline and started getting anxious about doing all that I had to do and thankfully I woke up. It played out though in slow time.

(I was watching a movie last night, called Holiday Switch or something like that and there was a rich person house with a maid using a Dyson. I was so excited. I have wanted a Dyson for a decade and finally got one this year for an early Christmas gift from my husband)

End of dream recollection....

onto morning autistic freak out.

 I woke up and I have a routine. I check facebook to see if everyone is ok. My internet was out, the cats were play fighting loudly in my room. I screamed because I couldn't take it. I woke DH up and then screamed at him for speaking. He didn't get too mad at me this morning. For the first time. Thankfully I apologized and he forgave me. I hate myself when I fall apart. It does not happen often any more and I am so grateful for that. DH tries to make my life easier and I love him all the more for that. With my freak out, hubby got up at the same time as me since no one could have ignored my screams of anxiety. That is my upside for today.

My New Schedule...

  Our schedule is not the same, hubby and I. I cannot throw a fit and demand he get up every morning because for almost five years I have slept all hours and left him to his own devices more times than I can count. I have been on my new schedule around two weeks maybe and I love it. I go to bed at night and wake early in the morning. 8:30am or earlier . I Pray I can keep this up for the rest of my life. Finally feeling a little bit normal or what I perceive as normal anyways.

Breakfast and IBS and fears of eating.

  DH made cheesy eggs, Bacon and hash browns this morning. A beautiful breakfast. I actually felt sick at the thought of eating. Since I have been eating two meals a day with the new schedule I have had trouble in the restroom department, getting rid of the food. I only share this in case a non verbal Autistic childs parent reads this. To share the pain of it. It is horrific. The gut troubles are said to be a part of autism. Five times yesterday I was in such pain from "going" that eating today seemed like something to be avoided. I did eat half of it, as it was a huge plate, anyways. Hopefully this evens out as the pain is too much to bare. I cannot imagine if I couldn't tell someone how much GI troubles hurt. I saw the colonic massage done online and have since been doing it on myself and it does help to move things along faster.

 My room, my prison, my safe place.

 I was so sick yesterday (IBS troubles) that I was out of sorts and couldn't tell hubby what to do to make it better so I took my night meds before nine and asked him to come up and stay with me. I tried to explain to him, and I don't know if it will ever really make sense. During the day, between noon and six we hang out and color together or clean et. I can only handle so much input so after six hubby goes down stairs and leaves me to wind down from the day. He said he would love to be able to come be with me to help me go to sleep like I asked him last night and I tried to explain it as best as I could.

  My own body was hurting me and over stimulating my mind so I needed him to be my calm in the storm. But when my body isn't wreaking havoc on itself then any input from any one else causes the over stimulation which in turn causes severe anxiety attacks and me being miserable. I literally cannot handle people speaking out loud to me. It feels like I am being punched repeatedly to hear speaking to me when I am over done.

  I have everything I need in my bedroom. TV. laptop, stuff to color with and crafts and such. I love being up here. Over the past few days though, leaving the room has caused me to feel like I am out of control of my life. It causes me so much stress that I will stand outside my door and try to decide if I should force myself to go downstairs. I did force myself last night because I had to feed my rats. I Pray this stops because I didn't ask it to start and I would like to be able to go down stairs like I was able to before without it causing me to come undone. It is a deep fear that grips me inside my chest. So truly this must stop. I will work on it. I will try to push through it. I am already a prisoner of my home and I have come to terms with it, I do not want to be a prisoner in my room.

  Okay I have set up the printer so I am going to print a picture to color. I studied shading yesterday on youtube and cannot wait to try it. I found a way to blend colored pencils with unscented mineral spirits so I have asked hubby to pick some up for me. It is called Klean Strip and this is one of the videos I watched. She is amazing at teaching. Showing so many techniques.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufgdg8bwexI

Off to color....

posted by Kandi Ann @ 9:24 AM