Thursday, November 19, 2015

Adoption, my thoughts, are they colored by Autism?

 Disclaimer, I am writing this because I almost legally adopted a teenage daughter. The only thing that prevented it was the money needed to  pay the attorney, who was crooked anyways. ;o(  These are just things I think about. I see things online and think, wow that is so hurtful to an adopted child. like this meme. There are so many making adoption appear as undesirable as can be.

  I woke up thinking about that commercial that is on TV. The one where the guy is talking about his family tree and he thought he was German but turned out to be Irish. That is a major surprise right there. Which made me think about adoption. I remember when I had an attorney for the adoption of my teenage daughter, the birth certificate, which we got a preliminary copy, had my name listed as birth mother. I was so happy. Now looking back, I didn't feel like I do now as of today. People say they want to carry on their family name but how many people are really not even in that actual bloodline? I feel people have a right to know if they are adopted. I feel if I adopted an infant and didn't tell my child they were adopted that I am lying to them, the biggest lie I would ever tell them, for me, it would be because I didn't want to share my child with anyone. That would be a reason I could come up with for not telling because I see so many people looking for their birth families, saying they never felt like they fit in their adopted families, even if they were never told of their adoption till they were older, they know, they just do.

  Is protecting your adopted child from a bad parental past enough reason to lie? Like if the parents of the child you adopt were kidnappers or murderers? I don't know. I haven't been there. I would like to think, no matter what, I would never betray my child's trust. The only one who can answer this, would be children in this situation. I personally would still hope I wouldn't lie.

Birth Certificate-  My own almost adopted daughter asked me previously not to tell people she was adopted, she wanted people to think I am her birth Mom, we look alike and she asked me this as an adult.. I don't know if she is thinking real Mom but she prefers it not be mentioned. I feel like she is my child. End of discussion. That is just how I feel. I wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to being or saying your adopted. The memes they make say it all. So many putting down adoption. No one thinks about who they will hurt. Like this one that says, Imma scratch whoever told you, you were adopted. What a shame. A child has the right to know right from the start.I would not steal that from a child because I feel insecure about my position in the child's life.  It is amazing to be entrusted with someones child, now your child from here on ever after. All of your child. They give you permission to raise their child, that right there says a lot. They picked you. I am not talking about children adopted from Foster care. I do have an opinion on that too., three of my Grand babies were adopted out through foster care. 

 The way the world is now, so down on adoption, I would want my child to have their original Birth Certificate and also one from the adoption so for every single thing that needs a birth certificate in the future that would show the child/adult was adopted, and the way the world is at this time, I can see the need to have the adopted parents in the birth parents spot. For now I guess, it is a necessary evil. 

I feel I would be lying to my child if I just put my name there and they didn't have the first Birth Certificate. That is what I feel now that we are doing when we put our name on the Birth Certificate in that place. Even when you adopt an AKC dog, they still have their parents listed on the certificate and your name as adopter is there also. No matter what you do, what you do not do, you will not be anymore or any less then the child you adopts second parents. That is not to say, less then parents. Just the second ones. What an awesome Blessing to have a child to raise that would not have happened if someone didn't feel led to give up their child to me.

Openness aka Open Adoption,  Raising the child/children-should the natural parents have a say? I wouldn't allow it. So long as I am not abusing the child, the child is my child to raise and love and bring up, this is what I was entrusted to do. If they have an opinion, unless I ask for it, they should keep it to themselves. They are and always will be the first parents but they gave up the right to have any say in the first 18 years of the child's life. Adopted parents, If you treat your child with disrespect and they have another set of parents to turn to, they will. Start with a good foundation, you reap what you sow. I was raised by natural parents and I moved out at ten the first time, so its not an adopted verses natural parent thing, its knowing how to raise your child up to love and respect you and come to you when they are in the worst of times. If I am worried they will leave me at 18, I would make the first 18 years the best of their lives. A life that includes their first parents. Even if we have to have holidays and birthdays together. I would really want that to be forever. After all, if I adopt, it is to have family and the larger a family is the more amazing to me.

 Being autistic, I think of all sorts of things. And I will share things when they come to mind and I cannot shake them. I have found once I write stuff down I am more calm. If you have read this, thank you. These are my own thoughts, I am not trying to sway anyone in any direction, except maybe to have love in your heart for your kiddos first family if possible.


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