Sunday, June 26, 2011

A lot to say

I am not usually able to update, or respond to simple e-mails or finish a thought or project that often.

I have just recently at 41 realized that I flitter between stuff I am doing, trying to do 50 things at once because my mind is always busy with itself. O.K. Let me back up a bit. I have always realized I do this. I could never help it and I believe I tried though I can "feel" the memories as being too painful. I recently got married and am settling into this life of having someone love me that wont leave me ever and it feels great. He accepts me for me and that means so much to me. It also is helping me focus on myself and "the" autism more. Or at least in a different way. Since being properly diagnosed only 5/6 yrs ago, it was a relief yet a whole new world to learn to cope in. So now, I realize when I am leaving something undone and just tell myself to settle down and complete just one thing, and it feels so good to do this. so so good. I read something though in my google searches about living with Aspergers, (which is not me, I am actually HFA/SPD, though I wish I could be an aspie/geek syndrome-seriously sounds better to me then HFA (aka High functioning Autistic) and it said we can learn to cope, learn new things, always get better and better. Knowing this, I fight to get to the best me I can be. Which doesn't mean I am different to others, it just means so far that I feel different in that I understand myself and why I do things a bit more now. And for now, because I will keep trying to do better. Promise!

I stim (repetitive motions that I am usually unaware that I do until, well, I notice that I am rocking or tapping or what have you) and lately I have noticed a huge thing missing. Strange how I don't know when I start to do it but I really notice it's not as prominent. And I wondered what was up with that. I am to the point that I don't even mind that I stim. at home or out. I am me. But I got a nice surprise today when two words came to mind. Stimming and Stigma (sorta sounds like a cool blog name. Go ahead, use it, just link me to it. :o) so I googled it, and something that I know your gonna shake your head at, due to my age and how simple it really is on the why, because I shook my head that I didn't realize it before now But... we stim when something is wrong or out of whack in our environment. *head desk* so simple. So marriage is suiting me well. I stim less. And thats all I have for now.

Much more to talk/write about but my back is killing me. MRI says (DDD) plus I have osteoarthritis and reumatic arthritis which the latter of the two ties into the DDD I think. ??? I am scared of Dr. Google too because my laptop got attacked by a virus when I was looking up something medical and its still broken. Though McAfee gave me a refund on their USELESS product, they wanted to charge me to fix what should have never gotten through their protection. Still upset. Refund was prompt is the most I can say good about them so I will stop. So now I am toes in again on google because I am addicted. I wish I could write where it sounded like a real bloggy post. If you read this, thanks.


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