Monday, July 26, 2010

Anger/hate = doubting I will get in Heaven

I woke up so so angry. I had a migraine. Didn't know what to do with myself and sorta ranish (well I hurt so I was going as fast as I could) through the house to get to my Pop (Pepsi to be exact) which is in a fridge in the garage. It was then that I saw IT. It being a picture of a deviant/pedophile/ and my sperm donor. I took it down once before and apparently my Mom thinks it should be up. So I felt hatred towards her in that moment and immediately went to God and asked him to help me not feel hate. I also asked my cousin to help me talk to my Mom and he did. And she said, Well, if the picture bothers you maybe the house does too? Sheesh, Get the phuck out couldn't have sounded clearer had she just said it that way.

I took my Service Dog to bed with me last night. I sleep in my Moms room. She has hurt me so much that I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, I just need my Taylor with me. And Taylor laid still as a rock all night long. She was my rock when I kept waking p in freak out mode. Something so calming about burring my face in the nape of her neck to calm me right down and lull me back to sleep. My Service Cat (oh boy is she ever the best.) always has come in since I have lived here and lays on top of me till I fall asleep. Well, Mom told me YOU CANNOT BRING TAY TO BED ANYMORE. I told her that was illegal. She said I am Your MOM, and its my room. and I said, She isn't a toy. I have her for a reason you know. And she said, FINE SHE STINKS AND i DON'T WANT HER HAIR IN MY BED. I pointed out the 6 cats she sleeps with. Told her I would bath Tay tonight and brush her before bed and since my cat picks on one of her cats she decided that then was the time to tell me my cat can't come in there any more. So, I get Tay and lose Cammy???? OUCH. I am trying to wrap my head around that trade off. I want both of them. They both are proven Service Animals and I have (Don't even need them) Prescriptions for ALL of my animals and 1 extra for a walking dog. I thought about just harnessing Cammy which is what I will do, but that will require me to not fall asleep while she is comforting me but rather drift to the edge of sleep and throw her out in the living room at that point. This sucks. Security of never having to move has never felt so UNSECURE to me. I will be in Tampa for a few weeks and after that I am back here. God is amazing and I know he can do it, so hopefully she will get my room ready by the time I get back. I have been here since April and in less then a wk will hit mos 5 of being here and so displaced. My clothes are not even in the house. Ok. Enough complaining. I am actually looking for Prayers please. xoxo, Kandi Ann


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