Friday, December 11, 2009

So many things to write about (dedicated to my Dear Friend Linda!)....

My Daughter,
She made the most wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner and we are going to be together Christmas Eve and day. I am working hard on her and my SIL'S gift. I hope they like it.

Tank, my wonderful little Grandson, I had gotten a Paint by Number a few years back to do for his older brother "Chatters" and I ran across it about 5 days ago which is when I started it again. The paint is missing from it so I figured I would "TRY" to finish it with Sharpie's magic markers and if it would turn out o.k I would give it to Tank for Christmas. OMGOSH how amazed I was at how great it worked out. I am enjoying each second that I work on it for him. Somehow, with his brother gone, its truly fitting that Tanker gets it, and it matches his nursery colors so well. Its a guy on a motorcycle. I decided due to sentimental value that it must go to Tank.

I have already gotten a Wolf one to do for Chatter's for the day I get to see him again. This too is fitting. I am a major Wolf advocate and lover and since he is older and will be much older when he gets it, I believe he will also know it was the right choice.
What I want each of my Grandbabies to understand is, while I work on their projects that I think of them and how much they mean to me. They are my world.

Taylor, My Service dog. She is so much a part of me. She helps with so much. When I am in pain, she offers hugs and today when I was in so much pain I couldn't let her even get up on me to give me a hug she put her sweet blond paw in my hand and wrapped her light colored toe nails around me hand like she was "squeezing" my hand like you do to comfort someone. I told her how much I love her and thanked her for understanding. Sometimes I forget she isn't human. She is so close though its amazing. Her understanding of me exceeds ANY person I know and for that, I Thank God for sending her to me.

Tay had her first go at wearing her Mutt lucks. Shoes for dogs. I just put the front two on her. Try one was a partial fail, the fail part was she didn't like them. The win part was, she trusts me so much that she wasn't scared of them at all. So I will try again. I don't want her getting stickys in her feet or for her feet to get too cold from being in the snow.

I am autistic. I am o.k with this. I am trying to learn more stuff. I have picked up a few coping skills, like when I am talking to someone, I was taught to listen too. And I really enjoy it. Though sometimes my brain just goes... NO NO MORE, I don't want to hear any more. My heart doesn't feel the same way but I am hyper sensitive so I go on "over load" too dang easy.

I have an Aussie friend, Linda, whom I adore to the moon and back. She was always there for me. Answered every post I made back when I did Live Journal and never ignored me. And this part kills me. I stressed over not being able to answer her back. I shut down my journal because I was afraid to hurt her because of my lack of ability to respond to her responses. In my eyes, there was never a better friend and I walked away. This post is dedicated to her. I will send her my new link and I know she will understand. I am unable to communicate well and I freeze up and don't know what to say. I can't say I will work on it, but I can say, I desire to be able to be a part of our friendship again in some way. I love you Dearly Linda, and I am so sorry I vanished. I miss you so dang much, visiting you is actually at the top of my bucket list. I would be honored if you would continue where I dropped off and comment me here like you did at my live journal if you forgive me. I can't respond well, but I will try to blog more so you know what I am up to.

Taylor Swift- I finally got her Christmas CD. I was devastated last year when I tried to order it off her website and there was an error and I wrote to whomever runs it and never got a response, I hope it was my fault and it got lost to the spam eating folder, but I never got the energy to fight to get it worked out. I am capable of two step stuff and more then that just hurts my brain so I suffered for a year due to stuff my brain does to me. Taylor makes me want to (and I do) Fight So Hard! to be better.
So back to the CD, there weren't any to be had in the stores, so when I saw it this year a couple weeks ago I flipped out, I was so excited and I got it. I know I do things oddly but I had to wait for the right time to listen to it for the first time, and right now, this very second, I have it on and am enjoying it so very much. She is so sweet, humble, grateful, talented, driven and she inspires me. I can't wait to see her in April. I dreamt I met her in real life and she brought her babies to me to help her with. (with Prayer for them). Then she was showing me all the furniture she liked and when she was leaving she gave me the stuff, a white desk and dresser are the only things I remember. She treated me normal, not like most people treat me IRL. And I woke up feeling like a real normal gal. I wish I could make that feeling last. Today is going sorta normalish for me. I am so glad to have my new CD of her's. Its helping with the Christmas spirit.

My Blog name/url. I do NOT run a rescue. Though people still show up at my door with "rescued" animals. God/The Angels must lead them here since I am a shut in. And that two step thing I talked about that comes with the autism. Well, I wanted to change my blog name to Hick chick but it's taken and I have no other ideas or if I can even change it. I have to investigate this. One day. Hopefully, I won't have to start over. The name has become something very important to me. I wish I could get on it and get a new name and get it changed. That is something I really want. So it should be easy, but it isn't. I really am trying to talk myself into getting this done/try to do it. I know I feel so much better when I have an accomplishment. So much better. So happy.

Stalkers- Swell. found this wrote out on my desktop so figured I get it up and out there.

I have a sta*lker. A very hurtful one. So I have (used to anyways) to be super careful of what I write as I was found again when I started my twitter account, and I had never ever used twitter before. Fortunately my stalker isn't the brightest bulb in the box and used her alias while trying to follow me. So I took this private. Then, I came to this conclusion that, what is meant to be will be. I don't care any more. Now I write freely again, and that in and of itself was freeing.

The things I write about, though they are horrible at times, I am not looking for sympathy, Prayers yes. Sympathy no.

When the nurses (really just PCA- Personal Care attendants with no training-unfortunately) don't show and I write about it, I am only writing for therapy, not trying to put any one down. I just feel so alone when the people who get paid so well to take care of me, just don't show, well I don't get how someone can disregard someone else so readily. Which brings me to today, my PCA/nurse showed up and said she read about autism and then quit. So I need a new nurse but I am Once bitten twice shy so to speak. I am terrified to let someone else close to me. Which is why I am trying to step up my learning things and see if I can work my body to some point of it listening to me.


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