Trying to stick with my new schedule
Part one, Staying on Schedule.
Wow has this been a struggle. I have been up as planned, before 9:30 am every day. Last night I could not fall asleep on my own to save my life. I have no clue how late I tossed and turned. I had set the alarm on my phone for nine am and I was up at 8:57 am. This is funny because I hate alarm clocks so much that I woke up and forced myself to get up knowing it would go off. So I haven't messed up my get up time at all but the low dose seraquil is not working anymore. The Dr. will raise the dose and I will hate it had to be done but I need to fall asleep or I won't be staying in bed rolling around another night and I want to sleep so I
may will start the higher dose tonight, up to 150 mg.
Waking up is awesome though and that gets me through. I have art, coloring, WSOP Poker to play, critters to tend to. I just am so happy with my life finally, it has been a long time coming. We just Pray, love and do our best and enjoy or plow through what we are given.
This picture is one of my new favorites. It took me days to do. DH first saw it and said, "that will take ten years". So I teased him when it was done by saying, "That was a long ten years". I love being able to tease someone. He has taught me to come back out of my shell a bit with him.
. During the afternoon my DH comes to my huge art filled room and spends time with me. hours at a time. When the therapists tell you to change you to save your relationship (I had looked up ways to save a relationship), do it, it worked for me. I am actually falling in love all over again. Which is so much fun, considering I love my husband dearly already. So this giddy, new relationship feeling, is awesome. Mixing it with an already deep love, is a Blessing. I love you honey. I don't know if you read, and please if you do, I do not want to know. *cough* seriously, do not tell me.
Christmas decorations...
Our beautiful cat/kitten Julia has knocked down the one real Christmas decoration I hung, which is a huge Candy Cane.
Decorating at all for Christmas isn't really looking good. Though I am happy that yesterday the laminating machine messed up one picture, it crinkled it, and it was DHs' picture. I was so upset. He just cut it down and it looked so nice I hung it and had him cut mine down too. We plan on coloring a few more to hang. Here is my picture and his and also the non colored coloring page. I made two sizes to color next.
Coloring pages.
I am enjoying coloring. My big gift from my husband was the Tombow Brush pens, and a bunch of Sharpies. I love them both. I have always been a Sharpie lover though. Oh also a while back, DH got me a 24 pack of Copic markers. They run out too fast but are by far the best markers I have.
Tombows
Sharpie Love
More Sharpies and Copics.
So to step up the results of my hobby, I have started watching Youtube videos on shading. I am learning so much. I apparently am a bit slow on the uptake since it just occurred to me that I do not have to draw the dragon fly so I have something to color, I can look up dragon fly coloring pages. I used to be great at drawing what I saw. The video went so fast I wasn't able to get mine drawn well. I would have paused but DH was watching too. So maybe today, I will find some to print and also go back and hit pause on the actual dragon fly. I will share my results if I follow through.
Here is hubbys dragonfly which I love and a car he is currently working on, and my peacock that I tried to do shading on.
I do love the peacock. I hope I can make it better. I have no idea what color I should go to next for the base of the feathers by her body.
My Babies.
Angel, my heart rat laid down by the table leg and fell asleep. It was a bit far but I cropped the picture down and when I got the camera out I woke him. But I love the picture just the same. While free roaming, Angel uses a litter box I leave down for him that has rabbit food in it as litter. Cheap and easy to clean up. win-win. Also my kitty girl Cammie who is always near me. The photos uploaded in a weird order so I will write under them. This blog post took forever. I feel accomplished. Go Me! :o)
I keep snacks near my computer and of course my coloring markers.
Going to bring another living room chair up stairs and
make a little living room in my bedroom.
He comes up on my lap on his own while he has free range time.
Sleepy Angel.
My best friend, my stalker. Love you Cammie Rose.
THE END (for today)
I am watching you Mama. All the time.
So much of everything...
My dream last night was long and intense. Parts I remember were, waiting for an air strike, it was scary, the biggest part that stands out is me saying, I remember the FIRST time this happened.
(My thoughts on that is, I have always been spooked of war movies or scenes and I absolutely cannot watch them near bed time. Leaves for speculation on my part.)
Ok. I have to write this out for me, so I don't forget. It is gross, feel free to skip this icky part. A person in my dream said you have an infected sore. It was attached to a desk wrapped in skin with an opening on one side. It was a hotdog wrapped in there. I pulled its capsule off the desk and took it outside to the garbage and it had a zillion baby maggots, when I tried to throw her away, she wrapped a long white tail around my wrist and didn't want to let me go. I made her and then walked away.
So in my dream, I was moving out of my house and my Dyson was nearby and I was going to use it after I scrubbed and cleaned up. My landlady (not real life one) came by and offered to pay me to clean her house. And she got snippy with me and said if I did a good job I would get my deposit back. I was so upset at her because I didn't clean for the deposit back cause in my dream I wasn't getting one. I was doing it because it is the right thing to do. I was on a deadline and started getting anxious about doing all that I had to do and thankfully I woke up. It played out though in slow time.
(I was watching a movie last night, called Holiday Switch or something like that and there was a rich person house with a maid using a Dyson. I was so excited. I have wanted a Dyson for a decade and finally got one this year for an early Christmas gift from my husband)
End of dream recollection....
onto morning autistic freak out.
I woke up and I have a routine. I check facebook to see if everyone is ok. My internet was out, the cats were play fighting loudly in my room. I screamed because I couldn't take it. I woke DH up and then screamed at him for speaking. He didn't get too mad at me this morning. For the first time. Thankfully I apologized and he forgave me. I hate myself when I fall apart. It does not happen often any more and I am so grateful for that. DH tries to make my life easier and I love him all the more for that. With my freak out, hubby got up at the same time as me since no one could have ignored my screams of anxiety. That is my upside for today.
My New Schedule...
Our schedule is not the same, hubby and I. I cannot throw a fit and demand he get up every morning because for almost five years I have slept all hours and left him to his own devices more times than I can count. I have been on my new schedule around two weeks maybe and I love it. I go to bed at night and wake early in the morning. 8:30am or earlier . I Pray I can keep this up for the rest of my life. Finally feeling a little bit normal or what I perceive as normal anyways.
Breakfast and IBS and fears of eating.
DH made cheesy eggs, Bacon and hash browns this morning. A beautiful breakfast. I actually felt sick at the thought of eating. Since I have been eating two meals a day with the new schedule I have had trouble in the restroom department, getting rid of the food. I only share this in case a non verbal Autistic childs parent reads this. To share the pain of it. It is horrific. The gut troubles are said to be a part of autism. Five times yesterday I was in such pain from "going" that eating today seemed like something to be avoided. I did eat half of it, as it was a huge plate, anyways. Hopefully this evens out as the pain is too much to bare. I cannot imagine if I couldn't tell someone how much GI troubles hurt. I saw the colonic massage done online and have since been doing it on myself and it does help to move things along faster.
My room, my prison, my safe place.
I was so sick yesterday (IBS troubles) that I was out of sorts and couldn't tell hubby what to do to make it better so I took my night meds before nine and asked him to come up and stay with me. I tried to explain to him, and I don't know if it will ever really make sense. During the day, between noon and six we hang out and color together or clean et. I can only handle so much input so after six hubby goes down stairs and leaves me to wind down from the day. He said he would love to be able to come be with me to help me go to sleep like I asked him last night and I tried to explain it as best as I could.
My own body was hurting me and over stimulating my mind so I needed him to be my calm in the storm. But when my body isn't wreaking havoc on itself then any input from any one else causes the over stimulation which in turn causes severe anxiety attacks and me being miserable. I literally cannot handle people speaking out loud to me. It feels like I am being punched repeatedly to hear speaking to me when I am over done.
I have everything I need in my bedroom. TV. laptop, stuff to color with and crafts and such. I love being up here. Over the past few days though, leaving the room has caused me to feel like I am out of control of my life. It causes me so much stress that I will stand outside my door and try to decide if I should force myself to go downstairs. I did force myself last night because I had to feed my rats. I Pray this stops because I didn't ask it to start and I would like to be able to go down stairs like I was able to before without it causing me to come undone. It is a deep fear that grips me inside my chest. So truly this must stop. I will work on it. I will try to push through it. I am already a prisoner of my home and I have come to terms with it, I do not want to be a prisoner in my room.
Okay I have set up the printer so I am going to print a picture to color. I studied shading yesterday on youtube and cannot wait to try it. I found a way to blend colored pencils with unscented mineral spirits so I have asked hubby to pick some up for me. It is called Klean Strip and this is one of the videos I watched. She is amazing at teaching. Showing so many techniques.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufgdg8bwexI
Off to color....
The craziest stuff happens to us
Are we the only ones that have the "We were just talking about that" moments? I will be reading online and the exact sentence I am reading is spoken online. It happened twice just today alone. Or hubby and I speak of something and it comes on T.V. So this morning I was reading up on this http://ratguide.com/health/reproductive/cryptorchidism.php because someone mentioned on a group I am on that their rat had the same thing. I have a rat that I named Nemo, my first one ever born a cryptoid, (where one Teste is stuck in his tummy area and didn't drop) to any rats I have had over thirty years. But that isn't the strangest thing. We were watching Dr. Dee: Alaska Vet that came out here in America on 11/14/2015 but today was the first time we seen it of course! Not only was the vet speaking of cryptorchidism but she was preforming a neuter on a dog with it, whose name is also Nemo. We couldn't believe it. It was a "are you kidding me" moment.
I also believe and have said, It is my fault Nemo ended up with one teste not dropped. Cause Nemo had one small fin and its just how names work, had I just known. Well, now I believe it more and more then ever ever ever. There is a dog in Alaska named Nemo who also had one smaller teste that didn't drop. He was neutered and so will our Nemo be hopefully early next year.
This is a repeat post of this picture. But it is my favorite Nemo picture. I call it "oh Nemo".
Online Bullies
There is a beautiful little boy I Pray for and follow on facebook who has the best smile ever. Someone was harassing his Mama Sarah today and it upset me to no end. I cannot even imagine how It must have upset her. So I got away from the computer and colored them a picture. If you want to follow them, it is "Prayers for Hayden Broin" on facebook. Send them lots of Prayers daily. They will really appreciate it. Here is the picture I colored for Hayden.
Then the rest of the day was amazing. I spent time enjoying my DHs hobby which is Texas Holdem and we played on my game today and won several tournaments which is more exciting then I could have imagined and I ended up with about 8 million more then I started with. DH has said he too would like another wonderful day tomorrow. I Pray God Blesses whomever reads my post. xoxoxo
Random thought of mine for today: Regarding Bullies. I feel so bad for bullies. I know they didn't get that way on their own, there is a poem called "Children Learn What They Live" Here it is. I grew up with it on my fridge. So maybe it instilled sympathy for all people. I prefer to Pray for the bully, explain I am sorry for whatever pain they suffered and just don't keep talking to them if they cannot be kind. I feel in my heart if no one was ever mean back and was only kind then bullying would be extinct. I am speaking of online. In real life, adults need to protect children from bullies while putting down strong consequences for their actions while letting them know they too matter. I was physically bullied due to being a nerd and was lucky enough to have some bigger girls put a stop to it. Someone I didn't know protected me. Truly blessed. I Pray tonight for the bullied and the bullies. The circle of pain hurts my heart so much.
Children Learn What They LiveBy Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte
Don't want to be in my head right now! AKA Autism Brain, oh the fun.
There was so much going through my head about a game my husband and I play together. WS*OP
I actually got angry about something going on with one of the games I play. I in fact am still upset about it. DH changed my name in the game so no one could locate me in real life, he did not change his. Now strangers are hunting him down and collecting all his free coins. Something I did every morning since it was our thing together and for a week now, the coins have been all collected. So DH is going to change his name, I am going to block those strangers and the problem will be fixed.
This picture shows the clickable thing that gives me 20,000 coins for each one. I used to get like 20 each morning. Now the facebook page will be changed to friends only and I will get them again. It is my thing. I don't want to feel petty but I do. But it is also DH and my thing to share. I put too much thought into this I know. But that is how my brain works. It just wouldn't let it go to the point I had to write it out. Usually after a "write out" I am ok and can go on and think of something else.
I am sure the strangers can stalk other people and get their points but ours are for our friend SH and US. DH feels bad about not sharing with the strangers and I understand that, I felt bad for a minute and realized if he can find DHs he can find others too. I do not collect any except from DH and SH (Dear Husband and our friends first and last initial) Then I thought, first world problems because I see that a lot online, its a thing people now post when someone complains about something that isn't big, like getting bombed or starving or disease. Do I even have a right to have such petty feelings? I think I do
This is the simple life I live now, it has definitely not always been so simple. I was born in the US. I am just who God made me though. I have to go with it. I am thankful. I started life out good for eight years, got abused, ended up on the street and I had a hard life. It could have been way worse I am sure, and why do I even say it could have been way worse? For me it was HELL. I recently read we are not supposed to compare our lives to others, I cannot remember if it is Biblical or where I read it.
This is what I do for others, because I have a heart for everyone. I Pray for a lot of babies and people who need it. I have a home that I would love to take in a family in true need. We have opened our home to a homeless man so far and he ended up doing a drug called meth in our home and my Grand baby was in his room since she was just a toddler and that room is right off the kitchen and I just happened to find his stuff to use drugs on the floor where the baby could have gotten it if she wasn't run after to get her out immediately. We asked him to leave. I cannot have that in my house. I felt sad because, he is a veteran and he was so low he didn't even want to fight to have a normal life. Going to fight for our country really wreaks havoc on a person. I wasn't the one to be able to help with that particular problem, it could have cost us everything, but my heart did go out to him.
For myself to get through the days, I color and I take care of my rats and critters and I play games and also when the pain isn't horrid, I love to straighten up stuff and clean. I have been blessed, after ten years of really wanting a Dyson Vacuum, I finally got one. Total heaven for someone who loves things super clean.
I saw an article today on a veteran that lost his home http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/town-demolishes-veterans-house-while-he-has-surgery/ar-AAfLzph?ocid=spartandhp and I actually posted asking how I can help. I would love to see him get a go fund me page. Everyone re posts stuff about helping and people say do something instead of just re-posting so I am trying. Not a whole lot I can do being a shut in and broke but I am trying to do what I can. Anyone reading this can send Prayers to him too.
Well, that was a lot of stuff rattling around in my head. I feel calmer now and I wonder if I shared too much or made myself look weird. I have had a lot of people and I mean a lot, tell me how sorry they were for upsetting me and I was never angry. My words do not go across to others as gentle, as they are always intended and I hate that about being autistic. I want to fit in. I really do. I know I never will. I am already 46 and it hasn't happened yet.
Above pictures are from the National Dog Show, 2015 for choosing Best In Show. Right from the start, my pick was Charlie, and this made me so happy cause Charlie took the win!!! I wonder if I was able to move without pain and anxiety et if I would have actually been a good judge. Still basking in the fact my pick won. Good job Charlie. Your adorable and perfect.
This blog is for me to read in the years to come and I would like it to help someone in the process too. If anyone actually made it through this, Thank you. And also, I will answer any questions anyone would have for me at anytime. Well, maybe not any, but always respectfully asked ones for sure.
And now for my new game I have found that I am really enjoying. It is from gametop.com and it is called The Far Kingdoms age of Solitaire and it is solitaire with a major flairand makes it very fun. You build stuff with gold you earn, their games are always free and they go all out making them worth playing.
Horrible pain this AM.
I was ready to go to the Dr. this morning about 11 am. I checked my calendar and it is Saturday. Of course. (No I do not keep track of the days yet. Maybe someday) Then I remembered that I forgot to take my morning Tramadol. Yep. I actually called myself stupid and that has always been a bad word. Then I was sitting around sooo very hungry wishing my husband was awake (Yep, he feeds me anytime I need being fed, I am not a kitchen person, I prefer to think of the kitchen as a magical place that spits food out all pretty and ready to eat, no worries, this was agreed upon before we even said I Do!) After about fifteen minutes of squirming, as we do not wake each other if we can help it, I remembered that DH got cereal for me so I could feed myself in the morning if he wasn't up. So I set that bowl down next to my chair when I had my fill, forgot it was there, tripped over it and it went over and made a mess. I don't get stressed over stuff like that though, I just cleaned it up. I know I spill and drop stuff so I am usually very careful where I put my drinks and food. But know, if I change it up, there will be spillage.
We cleaned rat cages today and I got some great pictures of my babies. Here are the favorites. The first one I call, "Oh Nemo"!
The next one is Julia our kitten helping me, or making cleaning cages just a bit harder. Love this girl.
This third one is Gideon. My first self Cinnamon (I think, rare color for me anyways). He has a bit of congestion from getting a bit of a chill, I would like to ask for Prayers for him. He is my honey and I just adore him.
O.k. One more. I love reading blogs with pictures and I hope when I read back a few years from now, that I am delighted by the fact I have saved all of this.
This next picture is Pie Aka Life of Pie. This is not a trick of the camera. He really is that big, our biggest boy in fact. He is our Angels son.
Well, I guess that is all. I am trying to write every day. I want people who have family that are autistic to find this because I am 46 and still do not feel like a grown up. I grew up on the street, left home at 10 the first time and missed out on so much of being raised and taught and I never figured it out. I do believe if my Mother wasn't as amazing as she was with me for those first many years, I wouldn't have made it. And even though I left home due to another family member, she still took care of me financially till I got my SSI at 21. And even then she did what she could, still does actually. I know I am blessed. I am on week one of being on a schedule and am so dang proud of myself I am tweeking it and trying to get it right. I used to sleep 12 to 15 hours a night but I was also up for 36 to 48 hours at a time because I DO NOT SLEEP WITHOUT MEDS. So now I am finding that since I have been sleeping every night, nine hours is good and I pop up at 4 am. Not so good. so now I am pushing bedtime till about 8:30 pm or 9:00. Hoping I am successful. I am finding I am very excited that I actually get a little sleepy at night now and look forward to going to bed and look forward to getting up.
Ok, one more thing, my dear friend Jessica said she might come over tomorrow, and for the first time ever, I didn't have to say, well text first to see if I am awake. I will be awake and that is that. What a blessing this schedule is turning out to be.
Happy Thanksgiving! Next day recap
Up at 4 am to thaw out the Turkey, eh, up that early cause I couldn't sleep, so I thawed out the Turkey. Woke the hubby up around eight after the turkey was thawed because he is the cook around these parts. We had a nice day. I spent all day watching The Joey and Rory Show on RFDTV . I spend most days in my room in my chair and yesterday was no exception. I did make it a point to go downstairs and get a few pictures. I need to remember next year to get a picture of myself. But at least I got the hubby, the bird, the green bean casserole and my plate. It was amazing. Except the casserole. Found out today that the Cream of Mushroom soup was different as was the topping. I sure could tell by taste but I didn't miss it. The turkey with gravy and Stove Top sure filled me up. I am Thankful to be inside. I will never forget being homeless and alone. We are very blessed to have had our fourth Thanksgiving together. Here are a few pictures.
